I’m becoming an environmentalist.

The Sydney Morning Herald begins the article with this alarming lead:

Humans are just one of the millions of species on Earth, but we use up almost a quarter of the sun’s energy captured by plants – the most of any species.

The most of any species!? I had no idea! I mean, I figured we at least used less than raccoons. I mean—raccoons! —they’re so damn sneaky! But you can’t argue with science.

This showed humans used 24 per cent of the energy that was captured by plants. More than half of this was due to the harvesting of crops or other plants.

Another shocking revelation! Do you mean to tell me that most of humanity’s plant use is due to… using plants!!?! I feel sick. What are we going to do?

Screw global warming… we’re using up THE SUN!!! And for what? Nothing but our petty “greed.”

For shame, humanity. For shame.

I don’t think anyone would have batted an eye if this article appeared in The Onion. Complete with Melbourne agriculture professor “Snow Barlow.”