This is getting to be a habit.

From: “Rita Elena”

Subject: Beloved One!!

Dear Beloved One,I am Mrs Rita Elena from ABIDJAN, I am 58 years old, i am a deaf and suffering from a long time cancer of the breast which also affected my brain… blah blah blah … and my doctors have courageously advised me that i may not live beyond the next two months…etc.I was brought up in a motherless babies home, and was married to my late husband for twenty years without a child.

My husband and i are true Christians, but quite unfortunately, he was among the victims of an unfortunate bomb explosion that occurred some where in Africa on an official tour…. boo hoo hoo…Since his death I decided not to re-marry,I sold all my inherited belongings and deposited all the sum of $5.3 million United States dollars with a Bank….

It is my last wish to see that this money is invested in any organization of your choice and distributed each year among the charity organizations,the poor and the motherless babies home where i come from….As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank… yadda yadda…Hope to hear from you soonest.via email:

Awaiting your reply

Yours in Christ, Mrs. Rita Elena

Why do they always ask you to reply at a different address? It seems that an astounding number of email addresses of legitimate Nigerian orphaned widow politicians with erectile dysfunction are being flagged as spam. Go figure.

My reply:

Subject: Lovey-dovey

Wow, you must have pissed off Jesus a whole lot for all that stuff to happen to you.Byeeee!

Amazingly, their response:

Subject: beloved one!

Dear beloved one,

Thank you very much for your reply to my email,I want to let you know that the confirmation from my doctor today was that I don`t have much days to stay.I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord… BS, BS, BS…

I need you to provide me with your personal data which includes your bank details with a scanned copy of your international passport or drivers license for proper identification,a valid contact address,age and marital status,occupation,place of birth,next of kin and so on so that I will write to the bank and instruct them to transfer this funds to your nominated bank account, I am totally down herein the hospital and my doctor is helping me as I am writing to you now with my laptop….MAY THE ALMIGHTY GOD BE WITH YOU, TO PROTECT AND GUIDE YOU IN JESUS NAME.AMEN.

Thanks and God bless.

Mrs. Rita Elena.


Subject: Re: beloved one!OK, my bank account details are… Oh, what’s this?Wait a minute, this is odd… I just got an email from Jesus… and he says he never heard of you! Oh, snap! See you in hell, bee-yotch!!

I admit, I got a little cavalier toward the end there.