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March 2008

The Archives

• 03.31.08
  Not Viewer Mail: Fruity Ask Conlan | (1)

  A reader from Orange Park, Florida asks a question I get all the time: What's a good April Fools joke to play on my friends? Dear Idiot, don't be such a moron, stupid. April Fools jokes are neither April, nor fools, nor jokes. You were a mistake (I mean pregnancy-wise). Grow up. Everybody buy Tally Hall's Marvin's Marvelous Mechanical Museum.
• 03.29.08
  Viewer Mail #3: Screwing Wombats Ask Conlan | (1)

  A reader from Riverdale, Georgia asks: Conlan, What did you mix with vodka tonight? Regards, Veronica Orange juice. The cocktail is called a screwdriver. It was discovered in 1623 by a cabinet maker in the India. For years cabinet makers had struggled to find a way to hold together their cabinet-shaped pieces of wood. One day, in the town of Cairo, a carpenter named Junipero Crawduk (no relation) picked up a 67-inch metal rod (this is not as long as it sounds, because India uses the metric system). He stared at it for a long time, until he had an idea. He used it to ...
• 03.26.08
  Viewer Mail #2 Ask Conlan | (0)

  The responses to my request for Viewer Mail were overwhelming. Thanks to everyone who wrote, and I will try to answer all of your questions in time, either on the blog or through personal correspondence. But for now, Amanda from Yorba Vista, California writes: Dear Conlan, Are you trying to tell me that you don't get paid to write blogs? Is that what you are telling me? Sincerely, A man. Duh. Hey, man. Thanks for your letter (How did you get my mailing address?), and Go Nighthawks (Mascot)! I am pleased that you think I am telling--or trying to tell--you something. However, there is ...
• 03.16.08
  Viewer Mail #1 Ask Conlan | (3)

  I stupidly agreed to a deal with an anonymous friend wherein, if she posted one blog entry per week, I would do the same (250-word minimum). The problem is, right now I don’t want to write about anything. Or, more specifically, I don’t want anyone to read what I want to write about, and I don’t want to write anything that I don’t want to write about. So, screw off to that idea. However, I will take this opportunity to answer questions from the audience. A reader in Chesterton, Indiana writes: Dear Conlan, What the hell, man? Like, seriously. -- JW Hi, JW. Thanks ...
• 03.02.08
  Cooling Off Life | (1)

  On December 23, while moving my mattress out of my old apartment, I clumsily crunched my foot, resulting in a bruised, swollen, and ultimately--I learned later--broken walking stump. At the time, I briefly cursed my inelegance, strapped on a walking cast, and carried on. In retrospect, I should have recognized it as the forewarning it turned out to be: my 15 minutes of mild optimism were already ticking away. Music writer Rob Sheffield, in his moderately heartbreaking memoir Love is a Mix Tape, explains life after the unexpected death of his wife: The way I pictured it, all this ...

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• Ask Conlan: The Controversial Survey (Part 2)
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