A reader:

Dear Conlan,

Where have you been? Do you smell something funny?

Sincerely,
Q&S (Questioning and Smelling) in Denton, Texas

Hi, Kwuzz. You raise some good points. Are you laughing? What is the most amusing odor? Is there really such a thing as a funny fragrance? Are the legends true?

There are funny sounds (e.g., flatulence), funny sights (e.g., someone miming flatulence), and funny tastes (e.g., I don’t want to get into it). But what about humorous smells?

Everyone knows the scent of cucumbers and Good & Plenty candy makes women horny. But countless surveys have shown that chicks consider a sense of humor to be the most desirable quality in a man. Could these same smells also be funny? I don’t know, because I am not a woman yet.

However, what I do know is, if a particular smell was funny, it would be topical humor (NOT situational).

That being said, my top candidates include:

• dirty engine oil in the gutter
• corndogs (hand-dipped)
• watermelon-scented, overpriced, alcohol-based hand sanitizer
• ozone
• well-preserved paper – older that six years, but not exceeding seventeen
• vaporized maple syrup (NOT viscous)
• individually-wrapped moist towelettes

That being said, there is no such thing as a funny odor. Unless you believe there is. The future is what you make of it. Also: spoonfuls.

Keep those questions coming, in the comments or email conlan at the thisisconlan dot com.