Ask Conlan: Not About Sex

Here are some quickies from my inbox.

Name With from Calgary, Up There writes:

Do you do windows?

No. Mac.

Johnny Q. in Loveland, Colorado says:

I’m not sure what to do about this pizza situation. Do you have any advice?

Yes. Fold the slice like it’s New York style, even though it’s not.

Rachel McDonald from Beaverton, Oregon writes anonymously:

Conlan, what is your secret for understanding things? Like, I mean, sometimes I see a TV show and I don’t know what’s going on. I saw a show where a guy was shooting this other guy, but I didn’t know why. Does that ever happen to you? I don’t know if it’s my fault or not. Help.

Rachel, first let me tell you this: it is your fault. But some things are all our faults. For example, the San Andreas. Second, let me tell you this: the guy was shooting the other guy because of a mixup involving a briefcase, organ donation, and walkie-talkies. Thirdly, thus: my secret is simple. It’s like the slogan from those Just Do It shoe commercials, and it is this: “All rights reserved.” That’s all there is to it. (This does not apply to colon cleansing informercials.) Now, what was your question?

That’s all the time we have, if the world ends right now. Send me your questions or die trying.