This morning at the ungodly hour of 10am, I was alerted by my dear friend @katrinaneufeld, that today is something called Blog Action Day.
Blog. Action. Day. Not three words you’d typically associate with ol’ Connie Con-Con (me). But when I heard that the “day” was “poverty”, how could I not action-blog about it?
Poverty is a serious issue. It saves marriages, for instance. Without poverty, everyone would be having extramarital affairs, because it would be easy to take a day off your high paying job, rent an expensive hotel room and go at it.
Poverty keeps the food chain from getting all out of whack. Without poverty, certain segments of the population would not be eating out of garbage cans; they’d have real food. Maybe even with forks and stuff! If that’s not a recipe for global nuclear disaster, I don’t know what is.
Most importantly, poverty is the primary source of international self-esteem. Posturing politicians try to make it seem like “war” or “freedom” affect a nations reputation. Eff that. You know what really boosts our self-image? iPods, bitches! How many Sub-Saharan Africans have iPods? And I’m not talking about the ratty old 1st Gen with the physical scroll wheel (BARF!). I mean at least 2nd Gen nanos. Hmm? How many have them? Crickets. That’s what I thought. I’ve got a mothereffin’ iPod touch! What do you think about that, Malawi?! Pfft. Losers.
Lastly, I would like to include the lyrics of an appropriate Ben Folds’s song, entitled “All You Can Eat”. I’m not really sure, but I think it has to do with this stuff somehow. I think it’s about how you suck if you don’t like Walmart or something. Just read (I apologize for the unseemly language):
Son, look at all the people in this restaurant
What d’you think they weigh?
And out the window to the parking lot
At their SUVs taking all of the spaceThey give no fuck
They talk as loud as they want
They give no fuck
Just as long as there’s enough for themGotta get on the microphone down at Walmart
Talk about some shit that’s been on my mind
Talk about the state of this great of this nation of ours
People look to your left, yeah, look to your rightThey give no fuck
They buy as much as they want
They give no fuck
Just as long as there’s enough for them[Badass Piano Solo]
Son, look at the people lining up for plastic
Wouldn’t you like to see them in the National Geographic?
Squatting bare-assed in the dirt eating rice from a bowl
With a towel on their head and maybe a bone in their nose
See that asshole with a peace-sign on his license plate
Giving me the finger and running me out of his laneGod made us number one ’cause he loves us the best
But he should go bless someone else for a while and give us a rest
(They give no…)
Yeah and everyone can see
(They give no…)
We’ve eaten all that we can eat[More badass Piano]
Also, if you would like to read about similar things from someone who is not a jackass, try here, or most of the links at BlogActionDay.org.
Sooo…Poverty=faithful spouses
got it.
Like Conlan, I have been thinking about solving the problem of homelessness in America’s societies. Feel free to think of this as an excessive comment:
Besides the obvious suffering of the homeless people, the spectacle of raggedly dressed people bent for warmth in the subways and bus stations in major cities greets visitors with a pronouncedly negative image. Luckily, I have struck upon a means of eliminating the privation of the homeless while lessening the adverse impact they have on surrounding neighborhoods.
At a cost of about $250 per individual, each can be outfitted with a friendly Disney character costume. Generous insulation and bright stain resistant colors would help insure that the occupant remains warm inside and cheerful outside. As there are many different characters, each participant would be able to choose which outfit most closely fits his or her style. This landmark project would have manifold beneficial effects such as: travelers arriving at the bus and train terminals would no longer comment on how awful it is to be met with wave attacks of unkept meth panhandlers, and who would be able to resist not generously tipping Minnie Mouse? Instead, their kids could laugh and feel safe and recall how fondly Mickey greeted them upon their arrival to the city. Replace the heartrending image of a woman swaddled in torn clothes crouching for shelter in a shop doorway with that of a warm and sweetly blushing Snow White settled snugly down with her pull cart of possessions in the same alcove. A societal blemish has been instantly transformed into a fantasy attraction, and would only advance the popularity of the corporation that owns most of the free world anyway.
The boost this program could provide to the participants’ sense of self-image would be tremendous. They would enjoy a strong sense of camaraderie; instead of facing a bleak street existence alone, they would belong to a happy family of playful ducks, dogs, and chipmunks cheerfully engaging in a sidewalk barbecue. The necessity of keeping one’s uniform spiffy and one’s antics competitively endearing (to bolster handout revenues) would be easy and fun. And, as George Bush has observed, many of the homeless people on our streets already identify with popular cartoon characters. The transition would be painless for most everyone. Expensive and marginally effective substance abuse programs could be avoided by the simple expedient of dressing addicts and drunks as either pink elephants or as dopey the dwarf. A person suffering from a nervous tic could become Pinocchio the dancing puppet boy, and persons who habitually argue with demons or other self-contained personalities could be suited up with headpieces to squelch their sudden shouts.
The creative application of the basics outlined here would enable the administrators of this plan to massage away almost any obstacle, and allow them to artfully blend these people back into our image based society.