Halloween is Evil

I’m sorry, but I can’t remain silent on this issue any longer: Halloween is the devil’s tool, used to ensnare our children into baby-eating, electric car-driving, anti-homeschooling zombies1.

Do you know the ACTUAL history of All Hallow’s Eve?
As recently discovered documents reveal, Halloween was started by Karl Marx in 1858 as a way to rouse rabble and rake muck among the proletariat, whom he ostensibly wished to support, but in reality wished to enslave.

As he wrote 10 years earlier in his Communist Manifesto:

What the bourgeoisie, therefore, produces, above all, are its own grave-diggers and candy. [The bourgeoisie’s] fall, spooky cotton cobwebs, and the victory of the proletariat (wearing monster masks and red devil costumes) are equally inevitable.

On that dark, Siberian October night in 1858, the workers took to the streets of St. Petersburg, Germany, in the richest of bourgeoisie (i.e., hard-working, middle-class) neighborhoods. They banged on doors and demanded candy and pastries (from the stockpiles of the bourgeoisie), as well as legalized gay marriage. For those households that refused, they were greeted the next morning by a harshly-worded pamphlet tied to their doorknob2.

The tradition spread across Europe, and eventually throughout the world (especially Australia).

CAN IT BE ANY CLEARER?
And yet, there is a deeper layer of depravity. If you are still not convinced, consider this: Marx infamously referred to religion as “the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people3. This was a clever ploy on his part, although we now know that he was, like all those who seek world domination, working for the pope. That’s right: Karl Marx was, as 90% of Catholics are, a closet Catholic.

November 1, All Saints’ Day (so-called), is a Roman Catholic holiday on which all Catholics must offer human sacrifices to their Smorgasbord of Deities, in order to appease the wrath of Ba’al. Thus, Marx’s secret scheme to get the proletariat (who throughout history were typically adolescent boys) outside, in the dark, unsupervised on the night of October 31. This way, a few hundred of them could be secreted away to the Pope’s Lair without anyone suspecting a thing4. This left plenty of time to be molested by priests, as all boys are, before the human sacrifice the following day. The rest of the boys who were not sacrificed returned home with candy, and within a few years began acting a little defiant towards their parents, and probably worshipped the devil or something. Thank you, Karl Marx.

Of course, you won’t find any of this VERIFIED HISTORY in your liberal, teachers’ union, public schools.

You will only find the TRUTH here
As you can see, my knowledge goes far beyond poop and odors (unrelated), and you will not find honest analysis anywhere else, especially in the liberal media. And especially not in the supposedly conservative-Rush Limbaugh media, which is really just a secret tool of the liberal elite to make their opponents look like dumbasses. I am happy to answer your historical/moral questions, if you have them, AND YOU MUST. Email me: conlan AT thisisconlan.com, or leave it as a comment. Happy Jesusoween.

  1. Not literal zombies, but metaphorical, meaning they do not think like you. How about this new badass footnote system? []
  2. The contents of this pamphlet have been lost to history. []
  3. Emphasis added to original so it seems scarier. []
  4. At this point in history, parents were paid a government subsidy per child, so most families numbered in the double-digits, and kids are hard to keep track of, anyway. []