Ask Conlan: The Controversial Survey (Part 2)

Continued from last time:

6. Do you think​ Marij​uana shoul​d be legal​ized?​​​
I lived in San Francisco for two years, where it is legal (pretty much). I think it smells like sweaty dirt, so I was opposed. However, I did not know it was a proper noun. This new knowledge will cause me to reevaluate my position. I believe all nouns should be respected, but proper nouns have fundamental rights. But Marijuana? I guess this will take more pondering. It’s a pretty sticky pickle.

7. Are you for or again​st prema​rital​ sex?
War is terrible thing. Everyone agrees on that. Even the Martians (IRONY ALERT!). Some people say war is hell. I don’t know if this is theologically accurate, but I think the sentiment is clear. Listen, life would be simpler if everyone knew karate (or even taekwondo), but they don’t. Only the majority of people do. So, war is going to happen. It just is. And what if the government takes over? Martial sex, logistically, is much too difficult, so I think as a community we need to come together and support pre-martial sex ((Also, post.)). See question 9.

8. Do you belie​ve in God?
Well, I don’t know. I think it’s pretty clear that Beckett never planned for him to show up (despite the good faith of Estragon and Vladimir). But that raises an interesting literary question: Is a character really a character if he never “physically” appears (and may in fact not exist at all in the play’s fictional universe), yet remains a vital presence—so much so that there would not be a story without him? This in turn raises existential questions (which is perhaps what Beckett intended): What makes a person a person? If a deaf person falls in the forest, does he get hurt? It’s this type of thing—where literature and philosophy intersect in a complex web without easy answers—that allows Dane Cook to be as popular as he is.

9. Do you think​ same sex marri​age shoul​d be legal​ized?​​​
No way, not at all. You have to spice things up. I think married couples should be required (by law) to do it in at least three different positions, on a rotating basis ((Also, a “rotating basis” can count as one of the positions.)).

10. Do you think​ it’s wrong​ that so many Hispa​nics are illegally movin​g to the USA?
This is an interesting question because it contains variables of algebraic complexity. Let’s see if we can dissect it.

Do you think
a. it’s wrong – What is “wrong”? Is it a question of morality or legality? See point ‘d’.
b. that so many – How many? Is there a certain number above which it would be wrong, but below which it would be OK?
c. Hispanics – Hispwhatsits?
d. are illegally – If “illegality” is wrong, see point ‘a’. If it is not, why do we have laws?
e. moving to the USA? – Are any of them illegally moving to other places, like Canada? Would this be wrong? At what quantity would it be wrong?

Gee whiz, I wish people would put more thought into the rhetorical structure of their bullshit MySpace survey questions.

Stand by for Part 3…