Unfortunately, I will be out of town (i.e., the internet) for the better part of the weekend, and will be unable to update with new and amazing posts. (Furthermore, I will be fulfilling duties required of me, as I am a PROFESSIONAL WRITER.) Please stay tubed for updates on the Readership Drive, as well as the conclusion of The Controversial Survey and other crap you’ll like.
In the meantime please enjoy this old piece I wrote on an old blog about graduating from college, back when I graduated from college.
On recieving a B.A. and one’s subsequent profusion of wealth, sex appeal, and moral authority
A lot of people have been asking me, they’ve been saying, “Conlan, what’s it like now that you’re a college graduate? Are you universally respected and lusted after by beautiful and/or superhot women? Do countless employers lay jobs at your feet like sacrificial lambs? Have car thieves finally stopped stealing your car (three times) out of sheer awe for that piece of paper on your wall?”
And I’ve got to stop them there.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I say. “Hold on there.” The only piece of paper on my wall is a rejection form letter from Boulevard Magazine that I hang there to remind me what a loser I am. My diploma is somewhere around here; I think I shoved it in my bookcase somewhere. I’m sure I’ll find it when I move.
As for all that other stuff, yes. It’s kind of—though not exactly—like that.
For example, when I say hi to an attractive female—whereas in the past she would glare at me with suspicion then shuffle off mumbling words like “freak” or “[inaudible]hole”—now when I see an attractive woman, I say, “Hi, I have a bachelor’s degree,” and the response is quite different. She’ll usually glare at me with derision then shuffle off mumbling things like “loser” or “ass[inaudible].” I think it’s the subtle differences that matter most.
As for jobs, well, what can I say? Having a B.A. definitely looks impressive on my resume, right above “No relevant work experience or other compelling reason to hire me.” It probably wouldn’t look so impressive, except I used a really cool font, Comic Sans, at 36 pt. And that’ll impress anybody with half a sense of awesome. I haven’t heard back from any potential employers yet (except the ones that said no), but I will definitely keep you guys updated on that.
Finally, I think I can safely say that the car thieves have developed a healthy esteem for our country’s educational system, and aren’t planning on borrowing my car for a fourth time any time soon. At least not until August or so.
The important thing to remember about college degrees is, even if it doesn’t make me important, sexy, and popular, it does make a better human being than people who don’t have one. And that, my friends, is what education is all about.
The reason this was particularly hilarious is because some dummy (who obviously never graduated from college) completely missed the obvious satire and took it as a personal attack. He commented that I was “arrogant” for thinking that I was a better person than he was, and proceeded to whine in the unappealing way that uneducated people do. What an idiot. He’s probably on Welfare or dead in a gutter by now. Hopefully both.