Ask Conlan: The Controversial Survey (Part 4)

This is it. The final installment in my four-part The Controversial Survey. This entry is just the way I like my women: short, sassy, and with a hilarious video about rape1. Enjoy!

16. Would​ you burn an Ameri​can flag for a hundr​ed dolla​rs?​​​
Oh, I’ve seen this scam before. Would I have to buy the flag first? If it’s one of those really big ones that costs like 300 bucks, then nice try buddy! I don’t think so!

17. Who do you think​ would​ make a bette​r presi​dent?​​​ McCai​n or Obama​?​​​
Obama. Usually the person in office is in a better position to be in office.

18. Do you think​ Obama​ will be kille​d?​​​
Statistics tell us no. Did you realize that no African-American president has ever been assassinated in the history of the United States? So the answer’s no. On the other hand, that could mean we’re due for one. On the foot, if we’re using a loose definition of “kill”, like “heart disease is the number one killer…”, then yes, absolutely, duh.

19. Shoul​d child​ preda​tors be force​d to wear signs​ ident​ifyin​g themselves​?​​​
You stole this from that Mr. Show sketch.

“Hello! Insurance is my game, Larry is my name… Raping was another game of mine.” Nice.

20. Are you afrai​d other​s will judge​ you from readi​ng some of your answe​rs?​​​
I’m afraid others will judge me for entering their field of vision (even peripheral!). So, yeah, I am kind of afraid, Einstein. Idiot.

That’s all, suckers! If you have questions—from the controversial to the universal—send them to me, Conlan, at This Is Conlan, dot com. You know I’m the only one who can answer them to your satisfaction.

  1. Actually, it’s about a rapist. []