I’d never received such an enthusiastic response to anything on the blog as I did when I revealed Blinky the Robot. Clearly, he was my most popular guest of all time. I decided to capitalize on that popularity (i.e., saturate the market with low-cost products competitors can’t match, drive them out of business, then jack up my prices). It also gave me an idea for a new continuing feature, à la “Ask Conlan” or the Twitter BS. Namely, Interviews! Every week1 I will present to you a transcript of an interview—conducted by me—of a popular or up-and-coming person, character, or stereotype2 right here on the blog—for you.
The first interview subject, as you’ll have guessed by now (and if you haven’t, wow, you’re an idiot; it’s right in the title of the post), is none other than everyone’s favorite This Is Conlan recurring3 robot guest: BLINKY THE ROBOT!
I’m gonna be honest: transcribing this one was a bitch. But I think it was worth it for this very informative interview. It’s unfortunate that it had to be cut short due to Blinky’s… scheduling issues.
Blinky the Robot
THIS IS CONLAN: Hi, Blinky. Thanks for joining us this evening.
BLINKY: zz√zz… pleasure to BE HERE charlie, z*zt*…!
TiC: Great, great to have you. I’m Conlan, actually.
B: mrrrt… zzøzph!—this word IS not in tHe inTERNAL dictionary, zrt.
TiC: Not a problem. They can’t get it right at Starbucks either.
B: fæff—I do enJOY a pePPerMINT mocha this tIme of YeAR… shnr#tzz.
TiC: Yes, they’re very good. Well, let’s get on with the interview, shall we?
B: **x, We shall, zzzrt! LET us, hh∆h.
TiC: Now, it says here you’re Blinky the Robot, but you don’t blink. That’s wild! Tell us about that.
B: mrr… you are coRRECT. zz#rt, i DO NOT blink.
TiC: Mm hm, mm hm… So, none of those buttons and gizmos and doodads on there… they don’t blink or flash or anything?
B: pssx— YOU are coRECt, nrr#t.
TiC: Far out.
B: brrk… ALSO i hAve NO EYELiDs! kk*.
TiC: [laughing] Well, I suppose you don’t, Blinky. I suppose you don’t. You’re a bit of a comedian, aren’t you?
B: r∑rrr… NEGATIVE… zzt. i AM a robOT, snr≠rch.
TiC: Touché. Let’s move on to other topics. Since you mention it, who are some of your role models?
B: rrr… GOOD Question charlie. vrrt. I like gigantor, rrx#. ALSO i admIRE GREATly drinkbot FROM tikiBAR tv. nrrkzz*, i am basically a rip-off OF HIM, trrr#.
TiC: I’m familiar with his work. You were probably made with science too.
B: …¡ª#, affirmative, zzz.
TiC: But, to be fair, Drinkbot is really just a rip-off of every giant robot in crappy 50s sci-fi movies.
B: grrp… i never thOUGHT oF it like THAT…*§x.
TiC: Yeah, so, I mean, you don’t need to feel bad about it. It’s an homage more than anything.
B: urr*r shzzπzzk**, your logic is VALID. gyy†y÷lrk snr≈k!…
TiC: Yeah, see?
B: … and YET i still feEL inFERIor… kw*aårr.
TiC: Aw, Blinky. You’re not inferi—
B: ¡¡zz∑RK!! zzz, mY SENsorS are dEtecT!ng !NTERferEncE fRom YouR c!rcuitRY—nrr#Ω!*
TiC: Umm, what do you mean? I don’t have any circuitry… Heh, I think you’re confused, Blinky…
B: brrzt! nEgative. i aM deteCTING inTERferenCe from tHe exCESSIVE syNthOrganIc frEQuencies EMITting from youR anTEriOR– LEFt– disTAL– apPENdage—neeeeee* plEase iNitiatE coRRective acTion, neeeee—
TiC: Well that’s all the time we have, thank you for joining me Blinky, come back again soon.
B: —eeeee*, Thank YoU for hAving, snrr#ƒßkk—coRrect¡ve AcT!On, skne€€eee…
TiC: Goodnight, everyone.