This Is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest, Episode 3

It’s that time again.

Previous Episodes:
Episode 1
Episode 2



I like hitchhikers. I don’t pick them up, but every once in a while it’s nice to know someone thinks I’m doing a good job.

You may remember this one popping up on the blog previously. The explanation I provided at the time should suffice. What you may not know is what inspired the joke: My sister was driving me back into the City (when I lived there) from her college across the Bay. In the mountains near Lafayette, on an upscale suburban road, a kid—maybe 15 or 16—came into view on the gravel shoulder. As we neared, I saw that he was hitchhiking ((My guess? Across the bridge and to the Haight to smoke pot and panhandle for a few days, pretending to be poor, and maybe scaring mom and dad enough to get back the keys to his training BMW.)). So, as we passed him, I returned the gesture and gave him a straight-faced thumbs up. I did it without thinking, almost automatically. After we’d passed, it dawned on me what had happened, and I laughed aloud at my own genius.


I meant to say “so sue me” but I accidentally said “so screw me”. Talk about a Freudian sex with my mother.

This is a true story. I don’t remember what I was talking about, so it must not have been very impotent.


Salad tips: All lettuces are not created equal. Go with the high-grade garbanzos. Pepper doesn’t mask the taste of defeat. This salad sucks.

Obviously, I made a bad salad. It’s a reaction, and a warning. Let me tell you: DO NOT buy organic garbanzo beans. They are tiny, hard, pea-like pebbles of yuck. I want my beans pumped full of chemicals or whatever; just gimme that ol’ fashioned garbanzo goodness!


Note to Nigerian scammers: In Western culture, Italic Comic Sans is considered trustworthy only when it is *bold*, too. Rookie mistake.

Another true story. Italic Comic Sans? Really?


I just realized “No Child Left Behind” is a faith-based initiative. Jesus is coming back, people. And he’ll be checking your test scores.

Remember those stupid “Left Behind” books that were so popular among Evangelicals a few years ago? I can’t believe it took me so long to associate that with Bush’s education plan. I do feel like the joke execution could be improved; it’s kind of weak.


iTunes reviewers who write things like “country suxx! click yes if you agree!!” are idiots. But not as much as those who actually click yes.

This will seem familiar to longertime readers of the blog. Yes, the now-infamous Helpful iTunes Reviews post found its birth in this simple twittering. Small world, huh?


People love SF like you love your cool, funny uncle. People love LA like you love your shrieking, gin-soaked mother. I’m in the wrong city.

This one was hard to squeeze into 140 characters. It went through a lot of revisions. I wanted the cool uncle to be drunk too, but in the fun way—maybe sneaking you and your underage cousins beer at family functions. That kind of cool. I felt the contrast would resonate more. You see, both cities have problems—even similar problems—but they manifest themselves differently, and their citizens view them differently. And regardless, the people love their respective cities. And about that last bit: growing up, I was more exposed to the kind of love that looks like hate. That’s what I meant. Unscientific Postscript: Fresno is more like the docile, perhaps slightly retarded but nevertheless good-intentioned, older relative who is continually emotionally abused by her family (citizens), but puts up with them, and—despite their disloyalty—is always there for them, one way or another.

That concludes this episode of “This Is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest”.