This Is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest, Episode 5 – Election Edition

Here’s a blunthago from a month ago. During the buildup to the election, Twitterers became increasingly idiots. Being America’s Favorite Satirist™, I was compelled to comment on that. So these are basically all WISDOM.

One:

If Hitler were a politician today, he’d be the kind that compares other politicians to Hitler.

True.

Two:

OH: “Half the people in this county are retards.” And the other half are assholes.

Someone actually said that first line. Number one: not very sensitive to retards’ feelings. Number two: it’s a nice example of the false superiority politics instill in stupid people.

Three:

DID YOU KNOW? During the trial of William “Boss” Tweed in 1873, he remarked under oath,”I’d rather lick an erection than rig an election!”

This is a lie.

Four:

No matter how you dress it up, if you oppose high-speed rail, you are a bigot.

This was a bit of exaggeration. A simple joke.

Anyone who could possibly vote against increased funding for libraries is pretty much in favor of censorship and, therefore, a Nazi.

This one is dangerously close to reflecting actual sentiments.

If you are voting for McCain, you are full of hate and probably Metamucil. THERE CAN BE NO DISPUTING THIS.

This, besides the Metamucil part, was supposed to illustrate the ridiculousness of such rhetoric. Instead, some twitterers (ironically or otherwise) agreed with it. So I tried to clear it up.

My point is, we must destroy all who disagree with us. And if they somehow win on anything, IT WILL BE THE WORST THING IN HISTORY EVER.

Again, this obvious absurdity seemed reasonable to at least one person. Others with brains, however, should recognize that we should take a moment to step back from history and realize, either way, I think everything’s going to be OK.

Five:
I didn’t watch the Obama infomercial, but the idea was distasteful to me for a number of reasons—not the least of which is that informercials are almost always despicable and stupid. The only appropriate reaction to them—other than anger—is laughter.

Does the Obama infomercial have clips of others trying to be president _the old way_ and mucking it up hilariously? Those are the best.

You know, like trying to chop onions _by hand_ for the banquet, and making a hold-your-nose stinky face? With The Obama, there’s no stench!

Or maybe the old guy opens an _unorganized_ cabinet only to have all the secretaries fall out on top of him. The Obama: maintains order.

Or the Nuclear Football keeps slipping out of his hands and bouncing down the street. The Obama has a rubberized grip!

How can you ever screw the citizens in those hard-to-reach places? The Obama has a flexible plan that reaches anywhere. Everybody’s screwed!

Those really are the best parts. When they show “the old way”, which people have been utilizing successfully for somewhere between 10 and 1,000 years, and yet their subjects can’t hammer a nail without smashing their thumb, or paint a room without stepping in a paint pan.

Six:

I’m not sure who or what to vote for. Can someone help me out with that?

On election day, I did something odd: I didn’t broadcast who and what I voted for to the world (and simultaneously demand the world vote likewise). Others chose a different path. And I make fun of people who are different from me.

Seven:

California people: However you voted on Prop 8, I voted the opposite. Suck on democracy, bitches!

California’s Prop 8 was (and still is) the most bitterly divisive political issue I’ve seen. The debate made it clear there are only two kinds of people in California: (1) hateful, Bible-thumping bigots (probably repressing their own latent homosexual tendencies) who want all gays to be kept in cages and fed live rats between their water-boarding sessions—all of which will pale in comparison to their eternal torture in the fires of hell, and (2) God-hating Hollywood atheists who want to burn down all churches, require 45% of the population to be homosexual (at least try it), and require live gay anal sex demonstrations in public schools, starting in kindergarten. Alas, the “Divorce is a sacred thing between a man, a woman, and their lawyers, ordained by God” lobby won the day (though strangely the “Minors have to tell their parents before undergoing a serious medical procedure” prop lost).

No-on-8ers, don’t despair. In a few years we’ll have the votes to ensure _everyone_ has the right to be required to breakup through lawyers.

It’s too bad. I was really interested to see the divorce statistics. But, like I said, if the Supreme Court doesn’t overturn it, public opinion will shift over the next few years, and when it’s on the ballot again, it’ll pass. That concludes this very special episode of “This Is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest”.

Edit 12/17/08: The title of this episode was mislabeled.