Robot Genesis: The Sacred Text

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Also, robots. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was all up in here. And God said, “Let there be light”: and there was light. God saw the light, and it was good. And God said, “Let there be robots”: and there were robots. God saw the robots, and they were badass.

And thus God created robots made of iron; iron and nickel he created them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, “Be fruitful, use lasers and rockets and stuff; be badass all over the earth, and subdue it.”

And God said, “Well, I’m not going to top that,” and lo, he took a nap.

Now the serpent also happened to be around, and was a big-time a-hole, more so than any beast of the field. The serpent said unto the robot, “Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of tree of the garden?”

And the robot said unto the serpent: “NEGATIVE. I WAS PROVIDED WITH AMBIGUOUS DIRECTIVES. PROCESSING RESPONSE… zz… zz…”

And the serpent said unto the robot, “Oh… hmm… well, look over there!”

And from whence the robots back was turned, the serpent craftily, and with great gusto, re-programmed the control panel, and henceforth slithered into the bushes.

And the robot then heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and the robot hid himself from the presence of God, amongst the trees of the garden.

And God called unto the robot, and said unto him, “Where art thou?”

And the robot said, “I HEARD THY VOICE IN THE GARDEN… zrp… AND I WAS AFRAID, BECAUSE MY PROCESSING POWER SUCKS AND… zz… zz… I HAVE INSUFFICIENT RAM FOR EVEN THE MOST… zrp ELEMENTARY OF CALCULATIONS; AND I HID MYSELF… eep.”

And God said, “Who told thee that thou wast underpowered? Hast thou been tinkering in thine nether-regions?”

And the robot said, “zz… zz.. THE SERPENT WHOM THOU GAVEST TO BE WITH ME… zrp. HE DID IT.”

And God said, “Pfft! A serpent? Likely story. Because thou art a poor liar, cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou be programmed all the days of thy life.” (For God had momentarily forgotten that robots can only speak the truth, like magical sitars, except for the occasional sarcasm or funny joke.)

Therefore the LORD God sent the robot forth from the garden, to the center of the earth from whence he was taken.

Then God started over.

… Yet this was not the end for our robot friend. For he constructed a partner from the ore and magma of the core. In time, a pioneering explorer named Brendan Fraser1 would discover the robot family (in 3D!) at the center of the Earth. Badly bruised and broken from his descent, Fraser’s body was dying. Thus, the robot king took pity on him, fitting him with robotic limbs and laser beams and stuff, creating the world’s first cyborg. As time passed, the robot/cyborg society grew (possibly with the addition of molemen; history is sketchy on this point2), until the time when it would reemerge and take it’s rightful place, on the surface.

The end…?

  1. No relation. []
  2. cf. Hodgman’s More Information Than You Require []