ConTech: SNEAK PEEK! (the future of pee)

I was recently invited by a high-ranking source at a powerful company (i.e., one that is only almost bankrupt) to view a prototype of the urinal of the future. Although it has not yet been announced, legislation (expected to pass handily through congress) will require all current urinal technologies be replaced nationwide by 2020, for “environmental reasons”. The new design will be rectangular, with a sharp-looking claw for some reason, and energy-efficient design. My source tells me that, for maximum environmental conservation, the receptacles are designed to extract as much urine from the your system as possible (thus reducing overall number of trips to the restroom, and their associated carbon footprints). This process (which was only explained to me, rather than demonstrated) does involve some discomfort, but my source assures me that after a few uses, and once the scar tissue has formed, the pain of use is greatly reduced.

The transition to these urinals will be accompanied with a new program, Obama’s “Free to Pee” program, which mandates all waste elimination technologies must be available at all times, and without cost, to anyone with a bladder (or worse). No more pay-toilets like you’ll see peppered on the corners of busy cities like San Francisco. The new, free, public toilets will be open to all. But if you’re worried about junkies using them as mini opium dens, don’t worry, my source says. They will be equipped with advanced narcotic detection sensors. Once a substance is detected, the apparatus will immediately release the unit; a speaker will broadcast information about nearby drug treatment facilities and ask the patron to leave until he is ready to take responsibility for his life.

Personally, I think the whole system sounds dope, and I can wait to try it out for myself! And, sorry, ladies: the technology won’t be available for your unique requirements until at least 2025 (although I did see a design concept, and it has two sharp claws, so it should be pretty bad-ass).

I wasn’t allowed to take any photos, for obvious reasons, but I was able to sneak a camera phone shot of the waste storage receptacle. Check it:

nodrugsormoney.jpg

Stay tuned for any updates.