Hi, Internets. After a brief birthdiatus, I’m back, refreshed, and ready to type the ess out of this em-effin’ bee.
And to get back in the schwing of things, I’ve got something special: You asked for it. You begged for it. You scrawled it in blood on my bathroom mirror (nice touch, by the way). Well, here it is.
1. Someone (maybe Ryan or someone) once said of me, only half-jokingly, “Such a man surely can’t exist in reality, but only in works of fiction.” I don’t remember why exactly.
2. I’m pretty insecure, but I try to hide it because I know people don’t like or trust insecure people. Along with that,
3. I think way too much. About everything. This makes me too smart. As a result,
4. I’m overly critical. Not in the nit-picky sense, but in the critical thinking sense.
5. Also, the nit-picky sense.
6. I can make people feel stupid because, as Ryan put it, I “may not like something and know why, whereas they may love it and can’t explain it. You outsmart people.” So it’s ironic that
7. I’m overly sensitive to criticism, and feel like an idiot so much of the time.
8. Sometimes I have dandruff, but I try to hide it because I know people don’t like or trust people with dandruff.
9. I tend to use antiquated phrases like “Gee whiz” and “raspberries!”, partly to be ironic, but mostly because I like to.
10. I rarely floss.
11. I don’t have tattoos.
12. I feel as if my body gets in my way sometimes. This could be because
13. I never exercise, which is undoubtedly a factor in my
14. Lack of upper-body strength and
15. Poor posture.
16. I think I sweat more than average. I know
17. I have an oily forehead and
18. A hairy back.
19. I go days without shaving (my face).
20. I don’t cook, but I’m a picky eater.
21. I’ve got mounds of credit card debt.
22. I don’t like manly things like sports or cars, but
23. I do like beer.
24. I can’t play a musical instrument, because
25. I’m a quitter. I start things and don’t finish. I tried to learn to play the guitar, but quit because
BONUS BIRTHDAY OVERTIME SECTION!!!
26. I have flat, short fingers, which made it hard to play.
27. I tend to focus on the negative.
28. I take anti-depressant medication, but
29. I don’t have health insurance.
30. I’m pretty sure I’ve got you figured out. But the joke’s on me, because
31. I haven’t got you figured out.
- Facts may not be completely “original”, in that some of them may have previously appeared on now defunct blogs and/or Craigslist personal ads. [↩]