Ask Conlan: Yoga Pants

A reader from “nearby” writes:

Dear Conlan,

Big fan. First time reader, long time watcher. My question is like this. Suppose, hypothermically, that someone wanted to… oh I don’t know for the sake argument let’s say… murder you, eat your protein-rich spleen, and burn your fat in an oil lamp for light as I sew your skin into plus-size yoga pants… supposing that… how would one go about something like that?

Sincerely,
Not the guy sitting over here.

Hey, Not the. Thanks for the note. I have to admit, your letter concerned me a bit at first, but after some quick googling, I think I can help.

As I see it, there are four distinct components that must be addressed:

  1. Murder me.
  2. Eat my protein-rich spleen.
  3. Burn my fat in an oil lamp. And
  4. Sew my skin into plus-size yoga pants.

Let’s take them one at a time.

1. Murder.
I’d select a weapon of some sort first. A gun is probably too much trouble. I’d recommend a crossbow or heavy shovel. Once you’ve got that, it’s easy. Every Tuesday evening I play amateur racquetball against cars from the freeway overpass at 41 and Tulare St. Just hide in the Office Depot parking lot and when I return to my car… BLAM!

2. Eat spleen.
You probably don’t want to do this right away. You’re going to need seasoning. Once you’ve finished step 1, take the carcass back to your dim (as of yet) lodging. Remove the spleen with a steak knife, or—if none is available—your teeth (set aside remainder for later use). Once removed, season with Pappy’s all-purpose seasoning. Then broil for up to 10 minutes. (I prefer spleen medium-rare, but you can cook to taste.) Enjoy!

3. Light fat aflame!
Well, first you’ll need to skin the carcass and put the fat in some kind of containing apparatus. I recommend a container. You will have to do this in the dark. I’m sorry. But once you do, you can grab your oil lamp (I’m assuming you already have one handy, since you’re clearly insane) and squeeze the fat oil out of the fat and into the oil lamp’s oil repository. Then, light ‘er up!

4. Yoga’na make some skin pants. (Get it?)
This will be the most labor intensive step because it involves working with tiny details like needles and follicles. Having skinned the carcass before removing the fat (you did skin it, didn’t you? No shortcuts!), you can gather up the scraps and begin sewing them together into cloth. I recommend a synthetic thread. You want it to be strong; nobody likes to spilt their pants… Especially when they’re made of skin! You also have a choice to make here: hair today or gone tomorrow. Depending on how much dermis remains, there will probably be some residual hair attached. You may choose to remove it, gingerly, with tweezers. Or—and this is my preference—leave the hair attached for the most unique and itchy yoga pants made of skin on the whole block! It’s up to you. In any case, once you have your whole cloth, by the light of the fat oil, follow this easy-to-follow online tutorial to make your pants. Ta-da!

So, there you have it. I hope these answers prove satisfactory. And remember: never give up on your dreams.

As for you wizard people, dear readers, if you’d like to never give up on your dreams, send your questions to:

“Ask Conlan”
c/o Totally Bitchin’
P.O. Box
Fresno CA, neener-double-aught-four-eight

Till nuts time!