This Is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest, Episode 9

It’s time for another episode of “This Is Twittering: Meta-commentary”. It’s the only This Is Conlan segment dedicated to commenting on the commentary of Conlan’s twitterings.

WORDPLAY:

“You better quit while you’re ahead,” said the doctor to the man suffering from the symbiotic flesh-eating bacteria.

This is funny. The key is, the flesh-eating bacteria is symbiotic, not parasitic. In this case, it’s in the interest of both host and bacteria to, as they say, quit while they’re a head. Even though you can’t live as only a head, I know. Get off my back! It’s an effing joke!

WORDPLAY:

Apply this joke directly to the affected area. (Topical humor.)

Literally.

WORDPLAY:

You should really get that checked by an opthamologist. (Optical tumor.)

Funny.

STUPID:

I heard that Hawaii was thinking of seceding from the U.S. (Tropical rumor.)

Not as funny, but good effort to keep the theme going.

WORDPLAY:

BREAKING NEWS: City Council solves homeless problem with Neutrogena Poor-Cleansing Scrub. More at 11…

If only such a product existed… It could have also solved the problem of poor people (AKA minorities and the French and Libertarians) stinking.

WISDOM:

I didn’t know what you meant when you implied I couldn’t take a hint.

Not only is this a good rhyme (probably for song use), I like the idea of implying someone can’t take a hint. It’s like holding up a “You Can’t See” sign to a blind person.

STUPID:

Note to myself: I like you, do you like me? Check yes or no.

The combination of these two cultural memes struck me as amusing. I’m still trying to figure out the answer.

WORDPLAY:

Geppettophile: sexually attracted to puppets?

I came up with this one in Nordstrom Rack. I don’t think that has to do with anything.

REACTION:

Hansel and Gretel Daycare. Really? Named for some kids whose parents werent watching them so they wandered off and got eaten by a witch. OK.

I drove past this place and that was the first thought I had. Did no one consider this? Even if you’re using the version where the kid tricks the witch and pushes her into the oven, it hardly inspires confidence. Here are some other ideas: The Tortoise and The Hare Delivery Service. There Was an Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe Family Planning Center. Icarus Airlines. And so forth.

REACTION:

This Is Conlan. I make messes.

It’s true. There’s a line in a Rademacher song that says, “Messes don’t get cleaned up by themselves.” That’s the most frustrating part, I think… Because, really, you are the mess.

That concludes this episode of “This Is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest”.