Ask Conlan: We’re Back!

A reader from Fresno, California writes:


When are you coming back? I miss you.

Your Illegitimate Son

Thanks for writing, Your (stupid name, by the way). Speaking of stupid, you must be, because I specifically said I would be back on May 1. May Day. The Day of May. I said all that. You’re dumb. Why are people like you allowed to live? Where are your parents? Slap them for me! Screw this! Screw you! I’m going on hiatus for another month!

See you in June!


Nah, I’m just kidding. I don’t care what some freakshow says. I’m back forever. And by “ever”, I mean a while. At least until Tuesday.

Another (presumed) person says:

Dear Conlan,

I’ve been thinking lately. Can you extend the deadline for your shirt sales? I won’t get paid until May 10. It’d be cool if you could help me out and not stop selling them at 12:01am on May 2.



And lastly, this:

Hey dude. Whatever happened to those big floating heads that used to float around and sometimes eat people, but not me because I’m too smart and I jumped in the dumpster?

Well, Mr. Horticulture, that is a good question. The answer is this:

Many years ago, big floating heads roamed the countryside looking for souls to occasionally devour. These giant heads were not aliens. About once a week you would discover that a citizen of your village had gone missing, and the others would all say, “‘Twas the heads, it were! ‘Twas the giant floating heads.” It was this kind of defeatist attitude that led to the Democrats regaining control of congress in 2006 or whatever year that was.

Then one day a boy by the name of Octogus had an idea. He thought the floating heads (which weren’t human) had bothered the village long enough. He decided that their density coupled with gravity must be just right to enable them to float as they did. So his plan was to decrease the Earth’s gravity, thus hurling the giant floating heads into oblivion for eternity (approx.).

Octogus put his plan into action. I won’t bother you with the details, but suffice it to say, it went horribly wrong and everyone died and that was the end of the human race as we know it (and even as we don’t). Even for those who hid in a dumpster.

Wait a minute. The guy’s email is dated June 8, 2009. That stuff hasn’t happened yet.

Never mind.