Ask Conlan: Extra Sweaty Edition

A fellow Fresnan writes:

Yo man. Yo. Luv ur stuf, luv yr stuff. So ima livin large, you know. but DAMN boyee it’s be damn hot, mang. what it do, sucka? How you keep cool in da hizzeat?? BAM! 109° mutha! what it be? what’s it all aboot? Yah, you hoser, tell me how to stay cool… Please and soory.

Many Happy Returns,
A fallow Fresnan

Clearly, what our “south-of-the-border” ((Madera County line.)) friend is speaking to is, as many residents of California’s Great Central Valley will recognize, the BAM 112° mutha hizzeat! It’s true: often in the summertime, high temperatures can reach well into and including the upper hundreds. When this happens, people can become a little crazed. What I mean is, people can become angry, stupid, ugly, and racist. Case in point: when the temperature is above 105, german-style (FAHRENHEIT!), the city rounds up all the 19th-century Asian-immigrant laborers into “coolie centers”. Why? No ones knows why! It can only be heat-induced racism.

Speaking of which, have you ever noticed that when it is really hot out, people stink more? It’s because they have lost their mental ability to maintain proper hygiene! No, it’s not true. It’s just the way it is, Walter Cronkite!

Furthermore, put some pants on!

Anyway, whatever. To cool down, go somewhere with air conditioning and don’t leave. Duh.