Another letter home from my stay at the Institute for the Research and Treatment of Inappropriate Capitalization & Punctuation

Dear Sandy,

First of ALL «I want you to know I am alright.» I AM sure you have heard about the trouble that HAS OCCURRED, here, at the IFTRATOICAP: i have been told IT is on THE news. I have not BEEN able to confirm/this, because we HAVE BEEN (on lockdown) since the incident. i will EXPLAIN what happened from my POINT of view?

It was the second day OF treatment and—things were GOING well. My ROOMMATE Ben and I had: just finished a Shift/CAPS Lock exercise [technical term. That’s WHEN we heard a loud. bang. sound coming from the CEILING! Dr. THOMPKINS came over the loudSPEAKER and ordered all patients to their ROOMS… as soon as IMMEDIATELY. He didn’t explain. Why!

Naturally, ben and I (having lived in SAN Francisco) were of a curious and investigatory mind. So we, decided—to investigate. I said ‘BEN. Let’s go look..”… over there, I said. I was POINTING down the hallWAY. So WE snuck down «hands and knees» to see what was transpiring. When we GOT to the grand banquet ROOM, we PEERED! in through the tiny circular windows. I didn’t, believe what I saw. It was Dr:THOMPKINS. and he was hiding under the BANQUET TABLE whispering harsh directives to the TWO nurses who were hiding THERE WITH him.

A bright light shined through the big PLATE-GLASS window and I HEARD helicopters. Black ropes slid down the SIDE of the building and MEN dressed in all, black, clothes. followed.

Somewhere at the other end of the corridor I heard a woman’s scream.

JUST then, one of the nurses hiding under the table bounded towards the door where BEN AND I were standing. We quickly ducked TO THE SIDE, as the nurse [female] burst through the swinging doors into the hallway and passed us, sprinting toward the main RECEPTION AREA.

“This is getting strange,” Ben said. I NODDED {in agreement]}. My nod must have been very good BECAUSE it startled Ben so much that he stumbled backwards into the secret passage way. Then down the secret STAIRS. Into the ROOM that we—would later learn—housed DrThompkins illegal, hydroponic watermelon-growing operations. Then SOMETHING hit me on the head ++noggin++ and i blacked OUT?

WHEN i woke UP, i was in my ROOM with Ben. He explained that the feds HAD been tracking thompkins for decades, and the IFTRATOICAP was really just a front for his black market WATERMELONS. Needless to say, I felt betrayed, violated, and hungry for some juicy watermelons.

The G-MEN are finishing up questioning the patients and searching the GROUNDS now. WHEN they’re done, we’ll be released to go HOME/

I was disappointed that I did NOT get to finish my TREATMENT, but I am GLAD THAT THAT MONSTER won’t be able to GROW any more unsanctioned melons (present company excluded). ALSO, i don’t know if you… happened to: NOTICE. But… if you read back OVER my letter… I don’t KNOW if it was the adrenaline or the methamphetamines, but i do believe EVEN without finishing treatment:::: my condition IS cured

OH Sandy, I do miss you, I can’t wait TO see you;

sincere and tender nibblings,
Conlan