Ask Conlan: WTF is the deal with BYOM?

You might remember me. I’m Conlan. People ask me things.1 For example:2

Dear Conlan,

First of all, thank you for the ointment.

Second, I have a thing. It’s a problem. I hope you will help me more so. It looks like this. The last week, when I was spontaneously looking for something (a shoe?), I accidentally was arrested. For loitering. At the post office. In the nude. This was not troubling, because I have been subjected to this kind of discrimination before. (My mother is Italian and my second cousin is a [non-practicing] astronaut.) But while I was being booked and magazined I noticed something odd. The color of the fingerprinting ink has been changed from black to a very dark blue. BUH?!? So, my question to you is this: what is lunchmeat made out of? I mean really?

Warmest Regardings,
Bucky

Thanks, Bucky, for writing in. I get this question a lot, which is why I haven’t answered it before. The trick, you see, is in the universal aspects of existence. Case in point: did you or did you not know that people are more likely to exhibit cannibalism when they are hungry and enjoy the taste of human flesh? It’s true! Once we accept this, we can all move on dot org with our lives.

To address your third point: it is only practical inasmuch as it is possible. This is a quote from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (who famously portrayed the puppet in the stage play “Sherlock Holmes Meets an Insult Comic Dog, With Most Unexpected Results!”). I believe he was high on cocaine at the time. I trust you take my meaning. But that’s as political as I care to get in a public forum or public restroom.

In conclusion, test everything and hold on to what is food.

P.S. That wasn’t ointment.

If you, dear reader, have a query you would like answered in a most satisfactory manner, please email me or leave a comment. Or, for nerds, a toot.

  1. You can too! []
  2. I haven’t styled these footnotes yet; they’re ugly, huh? []