A rather obvious (em)ploy

I like writing cover letters for jobs.

Let me rephrase that: I hate it. Except when I feel able to be creative (which is rare), or when I don’t care.

Here is an email I just sent to a prospective employer:

Greetings, Mr. [Person]

My name is Conlan Spangler. I was given your email address by [someone], a very important (he assures me) [job position at the company]. He mentioned that [the company] may be looking for copywriters, in a freelance and/or other capacitiy. I am a copywriter in a freelance and/or other capacity.

I am based in Fresno, and have worked with a number of design and marketing firms here. I’d love to discuss how I may be able to help out. Let me know if you’d like to see any samples, references, or instructions on how to perform my patented “Penguin Dance”.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Conlan Spangler

(Shit. I just noticed the typos. Oh, well. That’s not my point. Anyway.)

It reminded me of another email I’d written: A little over a year ago, I came across a very entertaining, clever job ad on Craigslist. So I replied. (The following contains references to the original ad—which has unfortunately been lost to the sands of Internet—so the full impact may not be realized, but you’ll get the idea.)

Greetings, 

Good news: I received your message. Although I have to say, posting publicly on Craigslist like that was kind of risky. I guess I understand, though. My number’s not listed. In any case, the answer is yes; I will meet with you to discuss the Web Admin/Writer position. 

I’m fairly confident I can fulfill your stated goal of bad-assery. I’ve spent years honing my powers of persuasion and writerly wit. *ImAwesome* I’ll let you in on a little secret: the secret is subtle, subliminal, secret messages. By working in relevant phrases, almost imperceptibly *ImTheGuyForTheJob*, others find themselves inexplicably enticed by my prose. As members of a super secret organization, I’m sure you’ll appreciate the simplicity and practicality of this method. Also, it works wonders with the hip and down-with-it set.

Besides my skills in psychological marketing, I also have experience in project management and directing a team in an internet publishing environment *IWantFreeCandy* (see my attached résumé). In my role as an Operations Analyst for online college applications, I excelled at a multitude of useful things: project oversight, technical writing, multi-tasking, self-direction, coffee drinking, deadline management, bomb defusing (both figurative and literal, but not really literal), design, and web development.

Most importantly, I am awesome–as you may have already guessed *BecauseISubliminallyToldYouAlready,PrettyCleverHuh?*. I love watching TV. How else would I know what’s on TV? I’ve got so much creativity, it’s spilling out my ears. My doctor says it’s just earwax, but we know better, don’t we? I have no doubt I’d be a valuable additional to your team. 

I’m planning to relocate to the Los Angeles area soon (i.e, as soon as you tell me to). In the meantime, I’d love to make a trip down to meet and discuss the position further. I’m very flexible in my availability. Contact me anytime at [email or phone]. *YouWontBeSorry* Let me know if you have any questions, and I look forward to hearing from you. 

World Dominatingly Yours,
Conlan Spangler

I got the interview. Even with that “additional” typo.