This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 13

Here we go.


That’s not what I meant.

This reaction of mine happens every day. Which is odd because I am a GREAT COMMUNICATOR.


“I think you dropped something.” Alternately: “That’s a really nice Toyota Tacoma.” What’s _your_ best pickup line?

Good two, Conlan.


Always follow your dreams until they get a restraining order.

Funny because it’s true.


Getting ready to go to @milanofresno to see music. #synesthesia

Unfortunately, @milanofresno is now dead, but that doesn’t take away from the smart humor of this toot. Look it up.


The thing about A Prarie Home Companion is, it’s stupid.

Am I wrong?


Tip: Get a haircut the same day you get new glasses. Your friends will be confused when they see you. AMAZING BUT TRUE.

I discovered this by accident, but it was a fun discovery.


Just deleted my Loopt account. That’s right, stalkers: your job just got a little tougher. Also, how’d you get such a cool job?

Loopt is a dumb thing that you may or may not have heard of that updates friends about your location. But the point is, “your job” in this instance is a figure of speech, not meant literally. But I pretended like it was literal, which is what makes this so stupid. I mean funny.


I am no damn good at the little lies that keep society from crumbling.

This is just flat out true and awesome. Take a little while to think about it. Think of all the lies that aren’t just convenient, but are truly neccessary for society to function. Please compare with the films Liar, Liar and The Invention of Lying, neither of which I’ve seen and neither of which do I suspect hold significant philosophical value. In fact, don’t compare with those movies. Just forget the whole thing. That shirt looks nice on you.


I don’t want to jinx anything but August just might be the first month I make more money than I spend. *fingers crossed*

This was stupid. I jinxed it. Not only did I not break even in August, I didn’t in September either. Now I am filing for bankruptcy.


I collect Facebook friends like Pez dispensers. (I snap their necks and eat what comes out.)

You’re welcome.


Sometimes I wish I weren’t so fat, but then I realize I’d still hate myself anyway. #writersblock

I’m welcome.


I’ve always felt a sense of inadequacy for not being left-handed.

All these cool creative types are left-handed. Jerry Seinfeld and Burt Bacharach and Nelson Mandela. Then again, so is my mom, so… thank Google for small favors or something.


If you watch movies on your laptop in public without headphones, here’s a tip: get headphones. Then strangle yourself with the cord.

The old switcheroo.


Live music is magic.

It’s so true. I don’t want to jump to any conclusions, but I’m pretty sure I am a bigger fan of live music than you are.


I need to stop falling in love so much.

This toot came after I was introduced to a chick who reminded me of Jenny Lewis. I never saw her again.


I would say I’m the most insecure person I know, but I lack the self-confidence to make such a bold statement.

Sad because it’s funny because it’s true.


Don’t forget to keep your chin up. It’s the best way to avoid looking at the shit you’re stepping in.



Currently reading: “What’s Glove Got to Do With It: The Rise and Fall of Michael Jackson and/or O.J. Simpson.”

This is not a real book. I think this may have been tooted before or after Jackson died. But the idea of a biography that could be about either of two people is funny to me.


Does listening to Regina Spektor make anyone else do stupid things? Just me?

This is a funny story. I was trying to decide if I should ask out this chick I know who didn’t remind me of Jenny Lewis. Then I decided that I should not. Then I became troubled by this decision and went for a long drive and listened to music. One song I particularly listened to was called “Ghost of Corporate Future” by Regina Spektor. She says, in part:

Maybe you should cut your own hair
’cause that can be so funny
It doesn’t cost any money
and it always grows back,
Hair grows even after you’re dead, and

People are just people
They shouldn’t make you nervous
The world is everlasting, it’s coming and it’s going
If you don’t toss your plastic
the street won’t be so plastered
and if you kiss somebody then both of you’ll get practice
The world is everlasting
Put dirtballs in your pocket
Put dirtballs in your pocket and take off both your shoes
’cause people are just people
People are just people like you

So I thought, “Yeah. People are just people. They shouldn’t make me nervous. People are just people like me.”

So then I asked out the chick and she said no.


Many people find my candor refreshing.

No, they don’t.


Sorry. Typo in last tweet. Should read: “Mini-people.” You know: dwarves, pygmies, leprechauns.

Yes, they do.

That concludes this extra-long episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentaty Digest.