Welcome to another episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest. A quick recap if you’re new here. I say awesome things on Twitter. But not everyone is on Twitter. So I collect some toots of particular interest (to me) in an irregular series called TIT. Here we go.
I wonder if I’ll ever find someone who thinks I’m as cool as the part of me that doesn’t hate myself thinks I am.
This is true. Although I hate myself, a substantial part of that is built on the disbelief that everyone else is not as great as I am, thus calling into question (theoretically) my own greatness. See?
Have I told you lately that I love you?I hope not, because I don’t.
If I ever own a Great Dane, I will name him Hamlet. To be ironic.
Shakespeare joke. My pal Ethan (who has a master’s of fine arts degree in creative writing!) said he would name his “Disdain”. I think both are good options.
The word “genius” is thrown around too much. Next time you’re thinking of using it—unless you’re referring to me—please reconsider.
The best revenge is living well. Also: stabbing.
I had to learn this one the hard way.
It’s almost midnight. The witching hour. Also known as the microwave corndogs hour.
I microwaved some corndogs at midnight. Then I ate them.
patronize (v.) – buy someone a shot of tequila. Usage: How much more do I have to patronize this chick before she’ll show me her boobs?
For you teetotalers out there, you need to realize that Patrón is a popular brand of tequila-flavored alcohol. For you illiterates out there, you have to realize that teetotalers are people who never drink alcohol.
I’ve got a stuffy nose, a tired body, an overactive mind, and a butt that just won’t quit.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I love full-Flash websites. They create such dynamic and interactive experiences with literally limitless potential for sucking donkey nuts.
Please forgive my use of crude terms like “Flash”.
Credit card companies are so inefficient: returned payment fee, late fee, AND overlimit fee? Why not just one “We got you, fucker!” fee?
Please forgive my use of crude terms like “credit card companies”.
I poisoned a bunch of crows in my yard, but it was an accident. Will the authorities still consider it a murder?
It’s a legal matter.
They say that one is the loneliest number. But I think, in the long run, the loneliest number will turn out to be methamphetamines.
I thought this one might be too vague for people who are not as smart as me. Numb-er, get it? Drugs. Meth addiction is a lonely existence, I’m told. Get help now.
Poke your weiner with a fork a few times to keep it from exploding. #outofcontextcookingtips
This may have been the funniest thing I’ve ever put to paper. A former professional humorist told me it was very funny. The best part is, it is a legitimately useful cooking tip.
Her: “How do you feel about dogs?”
Me: “I think they’re a very important part of the ecosystem.”
Her: “In what way?”
Me: “… Science.”
This was a real conversation between me and a female of some kind. I wish I could remember who I was talking to. It might have been Kara. In any case, I’m so funny.
“That 70’s Show” was the “Happy Days” of the “Happy Days” generation.
I think I messed this up. In actuality, Happy Days was the That 70s Show of the Happy Days generation. I think that’s right. Fake 20-year-old nostalgia. I’m not the first to make the comparison, I’m sure. But I am the Conlanest.
The smell of pepperoni Hot Pockets reminds me of when I delivered pizzas. Because when I got off work I’d go home and eat Hot Pockets.
Switcher who? Switcheroo.
Don’t wish your life away. Because, unless you have a genie or something, it’s basically just you talking to yourself. Which is weird.
Alternate: Don’t wish your life away. Because, seriously, that would be a stupid thing to waste one of your wishes on.
Follow-up: “Hansel and Gretel Daycare” has changed its name to “Temptations”. Same owners.
Prior to this I’d tooted about Hansel and Gretel Daycare, the daycare where your children may or may get eaten by a witch (depending on the version).
Before I get sued: My last toot was just a satirical comment on businesses that don’t think it through when choosing a name.
But this time it was really about inappropriate business names in general. I’d probably seen a hair salon named Magenta or something. Actually that one wouldn’t be too bad. But isn’t there a large-lady store called Torrid? I’ve seen plenty of small companies whose names were single words with supposedly exciting connotations, but which had nothing whatsoever to do with the product or service. And beyond that, the words often carry connotations that are questionable. Basically any business named “Temptations” has a stupid business name. You know I’m right.
I’m thinking of starting a line of shirts for roosters but I’m not sure what to call it.
This is inappropriate.
Mediocrity is worse than utter sucktitude.
If you’re going to suck, suck hard. Or die trying.
That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.