This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 15

It’s time for another episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

WORDPLAY:

I think my dog is in heat. Luckily, it’s a dry heat. #idontreallyhaveadog

Obviously.

REACTION:

Erectile dysfunction commercials make me long for a time when impotence was so shameful a condition that we dare not speak its euphemisms.

Seriously, shut up already.

REACTION:

My skills: verb conjugation, competitive sweating, keeping my software up to date. My deficiencies: everything else. Goodnight.

Obviously.

STUPID:

I need coffee like a snapping turtle needs fingers (for snapping). Yes, I need coffee for snapping… Listen, just get off my case, OK?!

Nothing.

REACTION:

Um, football, football touchdown interception. Teams and football things. Tackle. Winning and stuff. Football.

Seriously, shut up already.

WORDPLAY:

Twitter is textual intercourse.

Obviously.

WISDOM:

People are dumb. It’s what separates us from the animals.

Seriously, shut up already.

REACTION:

At least no one can accuse me of being unprincipled. #thingsassholessaytomakethemselvesfeelbetter

Nothing.

WISDOM:

I love music more than you love your mother.

Obviously.

STUPID:

Whenever a window pops up on my computer screen asking, “Are you sure you want to quit?” I spend the next 20 minutes mired in self-doubt.

Nothing.

WISDOM:

I enjoy subverting expectations.

Nothing brings me joy quite like someone thinking they know something, but in fact not knowing anything.

REACTION:

I am very wise: The only reason anyone’s single is because they’re too picky. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be; I’m just sayin’.

This was in reaction to someone else’s toot that was along the lines of, “Another reason I’m single: I like to wear ugly socks to bed.” This was tooted by some hot chick somewhere. This always annoys me, even though it’s not meant to be taken seriously, because (1) I hate it when attractive people complain about being single like there aren’t a baker’s dozen a-holes in their phonebook right now that would go out with them if given the chance, and (2) it’s dumb. There are probably legitimate reasons that certain people wouldn’t want to date you—like you’re a nagging bitch or you’ve cheated on every one of your last seven girlfriends—but your little quirks (which you apparently think are somehow cute because you won’t shut up about them) are not the reasons. The fact is, if “being single” was the only issue for you, you could probably solve it fairly easily. But no, you want someone good, so quit your bitching and own up to it.

Stuff like this must be why I’m still single.

WISDOM:

Quadruple amputees are people too. They put their pants on one leg at a time, just like you and me.

I was hoping that this, in additional to being super funny, would offend people. I didn’t get any reaction, but I’m confident that someone out there thinks I’m a baker’s dozen a-hole because of it. Anyway, the cool thing is, it’s not a joke about people without legs (those greasy, drunken freaks!); it’s a joke about idioms.

REACTION:

My car is making awful noises. I’ve been putting it off, but I think it may finally be time to invest in some earplugs.

Seriously, shut up already.

WISDOM:

One of my guiding principles of life: Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer. (You ask stupid questions.)

Obviously.

WORDPLAY:

Artificial art official.

Nothing.

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest (now I’m caught up on the backlog).