Ask Conlan: Sweet

Chelsea from the comments writes:

Hi Conlan. I have a question for your next “ask conlan” segment. Okay, here it is: What is going to happen to me if I live the rest of my life eating only candy? (I am on day three of a strictly candy diet, and I’m feeling a little off. I just want to know the long term effects of this self-destructive behavior…) Thanks!

Thank you for your question, Chester. However, it seems your self-fulfilling prophecy is already an answered question. You call your candy habit a “self-destructive behavior”. Thus, you have already reconstituted what you believe about its being.

You seem to be unfamiliar with the work of Igor Tooles. In his bestselling self-help book, The Hidden Law of Wonderworld ((Not a vampire teenager book, yet.)), Tooles writes the following:

For it is only in your empowered law of secrets that you will be fulfilling your utmost destiny. The ancient Babylonians knew it. Donald Trump knows it. If you’ve ever been in a car accident or been sad, you don’t know it. But that can change. For you must truly embrace the Law of Dynamic Magnetism. It is a law!

I cannot emphasize this enough. L-A-W. It is a law, which means you must not question it. Do you question law?? Just like a court law. You don’t ask why you’re not allowed to stab people, do you? No! Because it is the law… I’m glad we settled that.

Furthermore, once you have in actuality allured the teachings of Abraham and Jerry (thusly endowed), you will feel a sense of hydroplatonic peace. If you do not feel this sense, you must not have done it right. The answer is there to see and behold.

So, as you can see and behold, Shelly, you must be feeling “a little off” because you want to feel like you feel a little off, fulfilling your protruding feel-offity. If you truly embraced the Law, then you could eat nothing but candy for up to and including 88 years and it would make you rich and successful in your business endeavors. But this is a transmogrification that only you must build. For, as his Toolesness writes, “It is only in the knowing of things do the inextricable inextricacies become known to those who shall triumph, and not those other people because they must not have bought my book (Now available in audio-paperback format!).”

I hope that changed your life, as it has mine.