It’s time for another episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.
Don’t let your mouth write checks for funds your ass may not be able to withdraw for up to 10 business days.
I had to learn this one the hard way.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong.
What I’m saying is, yes, you’re wrong… But you’re also fat.
I had to be told this one. The hard way.
Intelligence is a verb.
This isn’t a joke. This is how I define intelligence. Being smart isn’t about how much you know. It’s about how much you want to know.
I’ll sell you my ear wax for $7, all you can eat.
This offer still stands.
Just calm down and take a deep breath mint.
Speaks for itself.
This margarine keeps getting better and better. It’s really on a roll.
When someone says, “I wanna falafel,” I tell them they’re a horrible person and nobody loves them.
I guess I’m just a people pleaser.
Some puns really only work when spoken. But I twitter them anyway. For non-native English speakers: “falafel” kind of sounds like “feel awful”.
I get sad thinking of all the people on earth who’ll never get a chance to know how cool I am.
Then I remember: I don’t care about people.
What a relief.
Here’s my impression of everyone I know: “Everyone besides me is an idiot. I like cupcakes. Blah blah blah. Conlan is great.”
You people are so predictable.
As a general rule, I consider those who refer to themselves as “experts” in any area to be experts in bullshit.
Somebody said they were an expert in something, and this is what I thought.
Next time you have something to say, ask yourself, “Is this useful and relevant to the discourse?”
Then, either way, keep your mouth shut.
The world would be a better place, if only.
My top pet peeves:
1. People who chew with their mouths open.
2. Child pornographers.
Bad news: “We need to talk.”
Good news: “We need to taco.”
No one likes a teetotaling tattletale.
I’ve got a pun in the oven.
All the time.
You win some, you stab some.
Why do you do that?
I hate it when the person I’m trying to call out in a vague, passive-aggressive toot doesn’t recognize I’m talking about them, Steve.
Here I am mocking everyone on Twitter, every day. I wish they would shut up and stop being unintentionally ironic. (My so-called friend Steve is imaginary.)
If you love something, let it go. If it returns, then next time let it go *harder*.
I like this idea.
Why don’t you take a picture, transfer to a computer, back up to an external hard drive, and upload it to online storage? It’ll last longer.
See what I did here? I updated an old chestnut. I don’t even know what chestnut means. Unless it means some kind of nut. If it does, then I know that much.
Donut Toot Trilogy.
Three donuts doesn’t sound like a lot on paper, but it sure does when you eat them. Especially if you don’t take off the paper.
I don’t really know what this means. It “sounds” like a lot when you eat them? That doesn’t make sense. And, what paper? I thought the donuts were on the paper, so you wouldn’t take the paper off the donuts, you’d take the donuts off the paper. Way to go, Conlan, idiot.
Why do “old fashioned” donuts seem so much more technologically advanced than modern ones?
I do know what his means. It’s damn true. An “old fashioned” donut is like a sculpted piece of fine industrial design. Compared to that, a typical glazed looks like a cheap Chinese knockoff (no racism intended).
Burning building: do not go in there.
My mouth: donut, go in there.
It’s a pronunciation thing.
That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentaty Digest.