This Is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest, Episode 19

Welcome to another episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest. It’s the only place where you’ll learn the story Behind the Toots. Which, now that I think about it, would’ve been a better name for this whole series. Live and learn, I guess. Let’s go:

REACTION:

I love the holiday season. It really makes me thankful to be dead. #thingsiwillsaywheniamdead

I’m amused by the idea of liking something because you don’t have to do it (which is not the same as being happy that you don’t have to do something).

REACTION:

The only thing more fun than destroying someone is watching them destroy themselves.

And mini-golf.

This is just a joke. I don’t really think mini-golf is fun.

REACTION:

I don’t like teenagers, ages 13 to 57.

Seriously. Grow up, everybody including me. You’re acting like a bunch of dumb kids.

WISDOM:

The bad news is, your life sucks. The good news is, you deserve it.

This is almost universally true.

WORDPLAY:

Stereotypes are all the same.

This is one of the best things I’ve ever said.

REACTION:

It seems like some people keep making the same mistakes over an dover.

…and…

Whoops! I mean: It seems like some people keep making the same mistakes over an dover.

Seriously. Grow up, everybody including me. You’re acting like a bunch of dumb kids.

WORDPLAY:

Human trafficking is a serious problem. Especially during rush hour.

This is either a joke about driving, which would be funny, or a joke about the very real problem of human trafficking, which would be offensive. I’ll let you decide.

Also: it’s about human trafficking.

WORDPLAY:

If I had a nickel for every time a homeless person has asked me for change, I’d probably give it to them.

Oh, boy. This one is classic Conlan.

The first person who ever said the “if I had a nickel/dime/dollar” thing was pretty clever. Right up there with the “Why did the chicken cross the road?” guy. I’m serious.

STUPID:

From now on, I’m only going to date women with Ph.D’s.

(bra size)

This was actually a reaction to all the stupid chicks I’ve met, but any joke about breasts is automatically stupid.

REACTION:

Sometimes I wonder what the world smelled like 50 years ago. I bet bad.

I was thinking about this. With all the advancements we’ve made, as a society, in the area of not stinking (e.g., deodorant, Febreeze, antibacterial soaps, the decline of indoor smoking), you’d think our world would smell great. But it still stinks a lot of the time. So I shudder to think what it smelled like before all that stuff.

Speaking of smelling…

WISDOM:

The smell of fresh paint is the smell of progress.

And sometimes, when I’m feeling sad, I like to sniff progress out of a paper bag.

This is a combination of two things. First, huffing paint is funny.1 I was reminded of this by the great Andrew Daly’s comedy album, Nine Sweaters (track 5). Then one day I was walking by a new building in a revitalizing part of town. I smelled the fresh paint smell and I really thought that it smelled like “progress” (because that is how I really think). Then the punchline came to me in a flash of brilliance.

WISDOM:

“Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss douche bags.”

– Eleanor Roosevelt, pretty much

She was one classy broad.

Also: Seriously. Grow up, everybody including me. You’re acting like a bunch of dumb kids.

REACTION:

Cockroaches aren’t so bad, really, once you get to know them.

See, you think I’m going to say that having a cockroach situation isn’t that bad, but then I go and act like the cockroaches are people with personalities.

REACTION:

People tell me that I sometimes come off as abrasive, that I seem like I don’t like people. It’s not intentional. It’s just that fuck you.

The word “fuck” isn’t really part of my personal brand, but in this case it was the right word for the job. The fact that I don’t say it very often makes it even righter.

WISDOM:

Y’know, people we think of as “stupid” are really only guilty of repeatedly making bad decisions based on an extreme lack of intelligence.

…and…

…So, if you think of it like that, it takes longer to think of it.

See, you think I’m going to say they aren’t actually stupid, but then I go and say that they really are stupid, but I just say it using more words.

WISDOM:

My humor isn’t for everyone. It’s not for idiots. If you’re an idiot, you won’t like it.

Keep this in mind.

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest.

  1. In the way that racism is funny. []