It’s time for another episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: recursion is funny.
Is that a joke about recursion? Please RT.
I do think recursion is funny. And I’m really not sure if that’s a joke about recursion.
Fun fact: the name “San Diego” means “dirty waffle”.
In the movie Anchor Man, there’s a joke about the meaning of the name San Diego. That joke is a crude absurdism; my joke is a pun.
None of these chicks on the late-night phone-sex commercials are as convincing as that chick who was on Lost.
Many years ago, while watching late-night TV, I saw something amazing on a commercial for one of those party line phone services—you know, the ones with hot chicks in skimpy outfits telling you about how they’re sick of going out; they just want to stay home on Saturday and call LiveLinks so they can meet great guys just like you! On this particular commercial, the slutty actress was actually really good! She was almost convincing. Compared to the the typical porno film reject actresses on these commercials, it was a striking improvement. It was so striking that it stuck with me. Then one day months later, on a commercial for a new show on ABC called Lost,1 I noticed a familiar face… it was that same chick from the LiveLinks commercial! I mentioned this to some of my friends and they didn’t believe me. How could a slutty phone-sex actress be on an actual TV show? they wondered. But the internet backed me up. I felt some level of pride that I’d recognized her talent so early. I always knew she was too good for those slutty commercials. But now, years later, whenever I see one of those types of commercials with their invariably horrible actresses, I find myself missing the redheaded chick from Lost.
Writing “awe” when you mean “aw” makes as much sense as writing “ewe” when you mean “ew”.
“Aw” and “ew” are sounds people make to express disappointment (or appreciation) and disgust, respectively. “Awe” and “ewe” are nouns people use to describe wonder and sheep, respectively.
I’m kidding. But I’m not *just* kidding.
Mute warrior choirboys are the real unsung heroes.
Even besides the wordplay, a mute choirboy seems like a funny, tragic character.
“I wish people would stop saying I said things I didn’t say.”
-Martin Luther King, Jr. to Albert Einstein, over coffee with Mark Twain
If you see a quote from a famous person on the internet, it’s fake. “But Conlan,” you say, “it doesn’t matter if Martin Luther King, Jr. didn’t say it; the important thing is that it’s a beautiful and profound truth.” Then why do you insist on attaching the name to it? The implication is, this quote is inspirational or insightful especially because it was said by a certain person (otherwise, why not quote the inspirational things that Hitler or Charles Manson said?). It’s the same reasoning behind so many fake comedian Twitter accounts: thousands of people follow them (without realizing they’re fake) and think they’re brilliant even though the jokes they spout off are from a dollar-store joke-book.
For better or worse, the source of a quote (or a joke, an idea, a complaint) carries weight. And because of that, people will always use it for manipulation.
“She had a big heart and an even bigger butt.”
I love funerals.
No one said this.
You can only ironically do something about 10 times before it stops being ironic and starts being you.
I call this stage “post-ironism.”
Yes. Although intentional irony differs from the this kind of irony:
Archie Bell & The Drells are only remembered for the song they played to *get ready* to play their other songs.
So, irony wins again.
The song is “Tighten Up”. It’s the song they tighten up to.
Remember all the awesome places, people, and things we loved so much as teenagers?
That shit was stupid.
We tend to hold special reverence for people and things that we thought were cool as kids. And, as with the false quotations I mentioned above, since we respect the source (i.e., our own childhood selves), we assume that the idea (i.e., that certain things are cool) is valid. But we tend to forget, when considering our own formidable years, that kids are stupid. We were stupid. And a lot of the stuff we loved? It was stupid.
As a man, I appreciate it when chicks are more afraid of being alone than they are of being treated like shit.
Am I right, fellas?
Women are dumb; men are assholes. For thousands of years, these principles explained every interaction between the sexes. But then feminism came along and changed everything. Now every interaction between the sexes can be explained with this principle: women and men are all dumb assholes.
That concludes this episode of this thing.
- Note: I only watch TV commercials, not TV shows. [↩]