It’s Tuesday. And that means ((It doesn’t actually mean this.)) it’s time for another episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest, wherein I, Conlan, talk about the jokes I make on Twitter (@thisisconlan) and show you how very clever I am.
(As a reminder, every toot falls into one of four self-explanatory categories.)
If you love absurdity so much, then why don’t you pickle your kangaroo jeans in subcutaneous marmalade and marry it?
You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Why? Because I said so. When? Tuesday. What? Breakdancing. Mars? Planet. Shame? Big time.
Notes to myself: Learn how to play chords.
This is not absurd. It’s a joke about how the word note means different things. It’s called a homonym.
Ha, I just saw an old person using a computer. I bet he was all, like, “Doy, what’s an ‘enter nets’? Doy, doy, doy!”
Stupid old people.
Stupid, stupid old people. Also, doy is a funny word. I’ve started using “no doy” as a catchphrase again. Try it out.
Mark my words: non-ironic mustaches are coming back.
Just you watch.
More like “mustNOTache”.
Must is a word (a verb, specifically) and it’s also the first part of the word mustache (or moustache, if you’re from Minnesota).
Some days I go all day without having even one real-life conversation.
Those are the best days.
They may not really be the best days, but they’re definitely days.
How old were you when you realized that people who are older than you aren’t all smarter than you?
How old were you when you realized that people who are younger than you aren’t all stupider than you?
Tellingly, several people retweeted the former and none retweeted the latter. Presumably, people are eager to feel smarter than others who have more experience/authority, but don’t like admitting they’re inferior to others who have less experience/authority (if one happens, then the other necessarily has to happen too). We’re pretty effed up as a species.
It’s like, I eat tacos. But I’m not in eat with tacos. Do you see what I’m saying?
I’m not saying anything.
I can’t stop quitting.
Also: jokes about literal cold turkey.
I have some good news and some breakdancing news.
Sometimes I just have these words in my head and I like the way they sound in my head, but they don’t make sense. This was not one of those times.
The luckiest people are those who can make money doing what they love.
Especially if what they love is inheriting money.
That would be the best of both worlds. World One being the money and World Two being the not doing anything.
Sure, she’s nice. But she could never replace you, disembodied personal pronoun.
This is joke about people who use Twitter as a therapist, passive-aggressively tooting mini-letters that they never intend to send. And so on and so forth.
Simply pointing out the hypocrisy of your opponents is not, logically speaking, an actual argument in your favor.
But it feels so good, doesn’t it?
People aren’t so different, really. We’re all better than you.
In some ways, everybody is better than everybody else.
I don’t care how much you guys like Ramen noodles. When it comes to poor people food, you can’t beat the poetry and timelessness of beans.
Beans are a classic. They’re filled with romance and tradition and protein and fiber. They’re the whole package.
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be “methodical”.
If I had to describe myself in two words, they would be “super dome”.
What kind of sicko would make someone describe themselves in one word?
If I had to describe myself in 15 words, it’d be “Kickball, jump, jump higher! No, not so high! Haircut, cold cut, jump cut, arch support.”
Actually, a one-word description is a pretty good idea.
That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest.