It’s time for another of these.
I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: I am sick of people always complaining about anything that I don’t also want to complain about.
Nobody likes a complainer. But everybody loves complaining.
Speaking of which…
Keep in mind: the insensitive things I say to your face are actually much nicer than the stuff other people say about you behind your back.
I’m annoyed when people say mean things about other people. It’s often harmless, but it makes me uncomfortable. Especially because it’s so ubiquitous. It would be naive to think that the people I would complain with—about pretty much everyone else—wouldn’t also complain about me when I left.
That’s why I try to not say bad things about people behind their back. This is usually OK because I don’t have a lot of bad stuff to say about people, individually1. I’m not saying I never join in the tittle-tattle, but I try not to.
At the same time, I’m not the most refined when it comes to dealing with other people. Sometimes, when I react less than enthusiastically in social situations, I think I may seem rude. And the imbalance struck me as funny: I may seem like more of a jerk than someone else because I’m not as deferential in person, but I may actually be less of a jerk because of how I act when they’re not around.
This is all very self-congratulatory, but that’s the origin of this particular toot. Also, I really am just that awesome.
You guys, listen: I love you all very much—deeply and profoundly.
But also, I’m sick of you.
See what I mean? Right to your face.
I like it when people say “all of the sudden…” Why does everyone else have to be so wishy-washy about it?
This is a joke about a malapropism and definite vs. indefinite articles.
I often type a response to someone’s toot, but delete it because I think, what’s the point?
Same deal w/ getting out of bed in the morning.
I delete getting out of bed in the morning.
I don’t really delete getting out of bed in the morning. On the other hand, what’s the point?
I have some good news and some nude goose.
(The good news is, the feathers were easy to pluck.)
The goose is nude.
If I had a nickel for every time I stabbed you in the eye with a salad fork, I’d be getting a nickel in about 30 seconds.
Because I am going to stab you in the eye with a salad fork in about 30 seconds.
If I had a nickel for every time you said something dumb, I’d put them in a sock and beat you with it.
And it would hurt, because there would be a lot of nickels in there.
If I had a nipple for every time I used the incorrect word in an aphorism, I’d be a rich man.
See, instead of nickel.
I can’t take much less of this.
See, instead of more.
I wish newscasters wouldn’t try to have personalities.
For reals, yo. You don’t need to tell me that sick children are sad or cute puppies are cute. And for the love of all that is newsy—unless you’re Brian Williams—don’t try to be funny.
I do more before 11 p.m. than most people do all day.
This isn’t true, probably. But I definitely do less before 6 a.m. than most people do all day.
That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest.
- Note: individually. In general, I could spend hours telling you why you, me, and everybody else sucks. Almost all of my complaints about other individuals can be abstracted to include nearly everyone else (sometimes in unexpected ways). [↩]