It’s time for the wisdom, wordplay, reactions, and stupid of another episode of This is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest.
I have to respect KFC for not having any healthy options on the menu. There’s a reason it’s called KFC. The F stands for “Eff you, hippie!”
I was on a road trip with my friend and we stopped at a KFC drive-thru for dinner. I’ve been trying to eat healthier, so I wanted a grilled chicken sandwich. Or a grilled anything without a side of cholesterol. Nope.
As an expert in such things, I feel qualified to tell you that I am an expert.
Self-proclaimed experts may be real experts, but they’re definitely real annoying to be around. Every true expert I’ve met has been less concerned with being thought of as an expert, and more concerned with improving in their area of expertise.
You may not understand how I can simultaneously respect people and think they’re stupid. But, to me, this seems like the only sane approach.
This is pretty much my guiding principle of life. We suck but we’re all we have.
Blaming other people for your problems is usually a valid reaction to reality and also a great way to never solve any problems.
Just shut up, everybody. Gee whiz. Read a book for a change. I hate everything so much.
It’s like I always say, “If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’re not looking the mirror.”
See, because you’re ugly.1
I don’t like discussing politics, because even the people I agree with are wrong.
More about hating people? I’m such a jerk. But this is true, and it’s why I have a hard time hating any group of people for what they think (i.e., participating in the political process). Because, to me, how you believe something—your thought process (or lack thereof)—is way more important that what you believe.2 No political ideology has a monopoly on irrationality.
Anyone who says “think outside the box” is clearly not.
Think outside the clichés, guys.
Gosh, these have been pretty cynical and preachy so far. We need a stupid joke about nuts or something.
Pistachios are nature’s peanuts.
That’s better. Also, this is not strictly true.
It’s like I always say, “Expectations are like assholes: they don’t live up to the hype.”
I always say a lot of things. It’s a free country.
Here’s a tip for being cool: instead of saying “bring it on” (which is stupid), say “bring it” (which is awesome).
Go back to Russia, Kirstie Dunts.
Lord, beer me beer.
I was so proud when I googled this and found out no one in the history of language had ever said it. It seems so obvious. Which is why it’s so good.
A good rule for everyday living: ask yourself, would it piss me off if everyone in society behaved the way I’m behaving?
If so, stop.
More preachiness. But really, what makes you so special that you should be allowed to act like that? No one is special. Everyone is the 99% or whatever. Quit being assholes. They don’t live up to the hype.
Will you be my friend? I’m asking for a friend.
Literally, see? I’m asking for a friend. Good one, Conlan.
Personal ad: SWM who likes to have fun, just looking for a partner in crime.
(Kidnapping. Definitely extortion, possibly murder. You in?)
Personal ads are dumb and full of clichés. Everyone “likes to have fun”. A “partner in crime” is not a thing. Come on, guys. Think outside the box.
Most people who aren’t afraid to tell it like it is also aren’t afraid to tell it like it isn’t.
Be more afraid.
Tsunamis have jumped the shark.
No, not literally. That’s not how tsunamis work. I mean it idiomatically.
Those sharks must be having a fun time, though.
I have nothing to hide but hide itself.
This is a play on the famous FDR quote where he said, “Hide your kids, hide your wife, and enough already with the internet memes, Harry.”
The only good Irishman is a dead Irishman.
I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Some of my best friends are dead.
This is a very good joke.
I don’t think “I don’t think that means what you think it means” means what you think it means.
I have a bias against unoriginality. Quoting movie lines seems like the most unoriginal thing a person can do to seem funny. It’s a peeve of mine. I know there’s nothing wrong with it, objectively. But it just grates on me.
Clearly, clichés are one of this episode’s themes.
I don’t mind social media experts as much as I mind people who listen to social media experts.
“Experts” are another theme.
Because “experts” tell you to do things like this:
Top 10 Bullshit Headline Gimmicks That Get You Pageviews While Wasting Your Readers’ Time
Click here to read more.
The legitimacy of gimmicks like this is debatable, but—to me—it’s lazy, bordering on manipulative. I’ll always favor quality content over cynical tricks.
Nobody seems more upset by “hipsters” than people who are about 1.5 Urban Outfitters purchases away from being one themselves.
Why do people get so annoyed by groups of people who are different than they are (or who they want to be different than they are)? I don’t care if you’re a hipster; I care how you’re a hipster.
Fishermen are great at networking.
I hate networking.
Quality, not quantity, and also quantity.
Expectations are like assholes, remember?
Speaking of assholes:
I had to park like an asshole because someone else had already parked like an asshole: The Asshole Domino Effect.
This is just my rationalization for bad behavior.
My sense of superiority comes from my recognition that everyone sucks.
This is mostly true.
The best things in life are stupid.
This is completely true.
The right answer to a yes/no question is almost always “maybe”.
Yes or no?
If you wear your heart on your sleeve, don’t be surprised when people mistake it for boogers.
This may seem profound, but it’s not.
That concludes this episode of whatever this is.