Now it’s the time when it’s time for another meta-commentary digest. This week1 I’ve tried something different: I’ve included direct links to the toots I’m talking about, so you (if you are on Twitter AKA if you are cool) can retoot or favorite the ones you like, if the mood should strike. I’ll see if anyone takes advantage of it, and maybe I’ll keep including the links or maybe I’ll stop. Who knows? Anyway.
I can’t believe Regis quit so soon after taking over for Oprah. It’s like Jack Parr on Nightline all over again.
This doesn’t really make sense. It’s just a lot of pop culture references that may or may not be related, and may or may probably not be true.
Sometimes: not always.
Some times: 11:03 p.m., 4:21 a.m.
Sum times: 9:38 a.m. + 5:19 p.m., 12:22 a.m. + 7:56 p.m. + 9:00 p.m.
BEHOLD! OUR AMAZING ENGLISH LANGUAGE!
Referring to your non-baby teeth as “permanent” is a little too optimistic, I think.
Same deal with “permanent” markers. When my sister was two and I was seven, I drew a very pleasant picture on her face—some flowers and a sunset and things like that—but it only lasted for a couple years. I complained to Sharpie, but they didn’t care.
I don’t want to offend anyone, so I’m always sure to say, “I’ll Ms. you.”
I’m offended by the abbreviation Mrs. because there is no “R” sound when you say it (as far as I can tell).
CONLAN INTERNET FAME WATCH 11/15/11: Nothing yet.
CONLAN INTERNET FAME WATCH 12/16/11: Still nothing. What is wrong with you people?? Please RT.
Remember when “The Situation” got so riled up he slammed HIS OWN HEAD into a concrete wall, sending himself to the hospital?
This really happened. I don’t watch Jersey Shore, but I watch The Soup and I saw it for myself. How great is that? It’s always fun to see stupid jerks do things that hurt themselves, but it rarely happens with such elegance. What is the stupidest way for a person to get a concussion? Purposely slamming your head into a concrete wall has to be at the top of the list.
Sometimes humanity really disappoints me. But then I remember that someday our species will be extinct.
This doesn’t make sense.
Sometimes my job makes me feel like a whore.
But there’s no way around it: cuddling costs extra.
This is just a joke. I’m not actually a prostitute, technically speaking.
I don’t have enough self-confidence to be an alcoholic.
Whenever I see people get really drunk and obnoxious in public, I can’t help but admire their self-assuredness. It must be nice to care more about getting drunk than to care about looking like an idiot. Good for them.
Really smart people are too eager to show off how smart they are, whereas really stupid people are too eager to show off how smart they are.
I’m so smart.
Just so you know: I’m completely naked under all this hair.
I’m pretty hairy, but not hairy enough for it to be, like, “my thing”. I’m in a furry no man’s land between babies’ butts and Bigfoots.
If you time-travel to the past and kill your own grandfather, he probably deserved it.
Because he was probably a jerk.
Whenever I see someone who’s struggling and needs a little help, I can’t help but think, “There but for the grace of God go fuck yourself.”
I apologize for the profanity, but it’s the only way this joke would have worked. And I think it works quite well. The shock of the punchline contrasts nicely with the warm feelings of the lead-up. Anything less than “fuck” would’ve felt like a cop-out2 and it wouldn’t have worked.