Here grow again (nothing is growing), including links.
Just because I don’t care, that doesn’t mean I don’t disapprove.
Actually, it does mean that. It also means I don’t approve. I just don’t care. Stop bothering me about it.
Too Big to Smell: The Inside Story of How Speed Stick and Right Guard Fought to Deodorize America—and Themselves
This is overreaching. “Too big to smell” was funny to me, though.
If you eat really good tri-tip, a funny thing to say would be, “Tri-tip? More like SUCCEED-tip!”
But don’t say “Fail-tip”. That’s stupid.
Also, I’m tired of people describing things with the word fail. But that’s probably because of my automatic, irrational rejection of most anything that’s unoriginal. To me, originality—and thus a sense of surprise—is one of the most important parts of creativity. It bothers me when people trade on other people’s ideas to get an emotional response from an audience. Of course, it’s impossible to not do that, which is why my response is irrational (or hypocritical, if you don’t really know what hypocritical means).
My worldview perfectly explains everybody’s motivations except my own.
Speaking of hypocrisy: Why are we always compelled to make exceptions for ourselves (and our friends) when we talk about what’s wrong with the world? I think it’s because, despite our best efforts, we can never really believe that other people are as complex as we are.
The world is your oyster and oysters are aphrodisiacs and no means no and just leave me alone, OK?
This construction is called, “The Energizer Bunny That Eventually Dies”.
I always wait until the last possible moment to put my pants on.
…before I jump out of the airplane.
If you knew a guy named Martin who passed gas a lot, I think a good nickname for him would be “Gas-Passin’ Gary”.
After I posted this, someone on Twitter helpfully pointed out that “Fartin’ Martin” would be a better nickname.
I’m going to level with you guys: I had already thought of that. My first thought actually was “Fartin’ Martin”. But I assumed1 that joke had already been made. So I pulled a switcheroo to make it more unexpected and original. And that was the joke. Are you beginning to understand me?
My favorite kind of backwards is ass-backwards.
This doesn’t mean anything.
I’m not as good-looking as I think, because I’m not as smart as I look.
I like verbal gymnastics like this, especially when it makes sense. If you’re not smart, then you don’t think well, so if you think you’re good-looking, you’re probably wrong—even if you look smart.
You can tell a lot about a person by their handshake. For instance, I could tell that the guy I just met had at least one hand.
You only get one impression to make a first chance.
Bread is just toast that isn’t done yet.
If there’s a bread in the world that can’t be improved by some light toasting, I haven’t found it.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was the one where he caught a bullet with his teeth.
Seriously, how did he DO that?
I wish I would’ve left off the second sentence. It would have been subtler and, I think, funnier.
You’re wearing out. You’re welcome.
See, this is funny because I took a common phrase and changed the punctuation.
Only the good die young, which is why no one likes old people.
This one was really popular. A lot of people retweeted it. I assume because old people suck so much.
That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-commentary Digest.
- And I confirmed it through a Google search. [↩]