I love Twitter.
Did you know? The candy cane colors represent the friendship of Native Americans and European settlers. And the shape represents old people.
There’s so much symbolism all around us, if we’d only look.
My peppermint bark is worse than my bagel bite.
I wonder if this would have been better with “peppermint bite” instead of “bagel bite”. But I wanted to go for realism. Truth in comedy.
(That concludes the Holiday Treats Toots section of this episode.)
Humans are mere mortals, but half-fish-half-humans are mere mer-mortals.
This is dumb.
If you tell someone something, and they incredulously ask, “Really?”, I think a funny thing to say would be, “Really as a heart attack.”
This is funny.
People really appreciate honesty if you honestly tell them what they want to hear.
This is the truth.
Revenge is a dish best served with one of those really tiny forks.
And make sure you chew revenge well. I recommend at least 18 chews per bite.
Babies are like sports cars: they’re fun to play with for a little while, but I don’t think the Japanese ones are as good as the others.
I thought this one was pretty good. It’s funny because everyone knows Japanese babies are better than other kinds.
I saw a man playing chess with his dog.
I said, “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen!”
“I’m so lonely,” said the man.
If you know the old joke, this one is an unexpected variation. If you don’t know the old joke, this is just heartbreaking and poignant. You should really retweet this one.
Photos of coastlines should always be shot facing north. Otherwise I get disoriented.
When I see a photo of a beach with the Pacific Ocean on the right side and land on the left side, I get dizzy. North is north for a reason: because God said so.
If you don’t want me to let all the air out of your tires, don’t tell me you’re “under too much pressure”.
What was I *supposed* to do?
This barely makes sense.
It’s seems like people who know a lot about something don’t know very much about everything.
Because even smart people are stupid.
If you ever give a tour of your house, when you get to your bedroom, a funny thing to say would be, “This is where the magic happens.”
Everyone would think it’s really hilarious, I bet.
That concludes this episode.