Speaking of Twitter, here’s some stuff I said on Twitter (with links).
…More like the PBS SNOOZEhour with Gwen AWFUL.
This is really funny if you’re part of the 1% of people with the sensibilities that would make this funny. I enjoy writing for an extremely limited audience—sometimes it’s just me.
For the record, I really like the PBS NewsHour. But come on: Gwen Awful? That’s gold.
Hair is fleeting, but eyebrows are forever.
This popped into my head because I was reading about “permanent makeup” where people basically get tattoos of eyebrows. But it also works on a naturobiological1 level.
If someone told you two parables that weren’t very compelling, I think a funny thing to say would be, “More like pair-o’-BULL!”
Because it’s a homophone.
Oh, great. I spilled the urine I was drinking all over my pants, and now it looks like I peed myself.
This one was pretty popular (i.e., it was retweeted a lot). Which made me happy because it’s a pretty good joke. I also like the idea of putting the punchline at the beginning.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be fat.
I put a new spin on this old Ben Franklin chestnut.
The next time I visit a famous cemetery, I’m going to send you a postcard that says, “Wish you were here!”
I had the idea for this joke a long time ago. I was going to actually make a fake postcard like this, but then I remembered that I’m too lazy to actually do stuff, so I wrote it instead. Don’t worry; it’s still funny.
Commodities are so hot right now.
This is a joke about hot commodities.
I really want to get into the whole “raw food” thing, but this chicken tastes horrible is a joke I just said on Twitter.
This is a not very good, too-easy joke. And it’s not even timely.
A third of Iowa caucus voters say they’re still undecided.
I can understand that; I desperately want to be relevant, too.
This one is too cynical. I think it’s lazy and stupid to make assumptions about the motives of others. On the other hand: we all want to feel like we matter, don’t we?
I think you should treat others as you’d like to be treated, which is why I always offer to have sex with people.
I don’t really do this, nor do I want other people to do this.
That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.
- I made this word up. [↩]