Ask Conlan: Boiling

A reader writes:

Dear Conlan,

How do I figure out what to do with my life? I need to find a new job and I just don’t know where to start.

Meandering in Minnesota

Thanks for your question, Madarin. It’s not uncommon for people of a certain age to wonder what it all really means and where they’re all really going and why it’s all WTF, dude. In fact, this question reminds me of a story…

Not too long ago there was a dog named Stanley. He was exactly six feet long (from nose to tail). That’s why they called him “The Human Tape Measure”. One day Stanley wanted to eat some bagels or some other kind of boiled bread. So he went to New York City, birthplace of the Bronx Boilers. Then Stanley was run over by a subway train and died (this was before 9/11).

The moral of the story is: don’t go chasing bagelfalls. Please stick to being a dog that’s a human tape measure.

The other part of your question (i.e., needing to find a new job and just don’t knowing where to start) is trickier. The obvious answer is, start at the beginning. But the right answer isn’t usually the obvious answer, because that’s not how TV mystery shows work. The right answer is: the old lady from the beginning of the episode who lived across the hall from the dead guy. She killed him because he was mean to her cat! What a twist!

In conclusion, I hope my insight has helped put Me-and-Da-Ring (rap name) on the path to a happy and healthy 2009.

If you hate your life and have a question you’d like to Ask Conlan, please find me and ask it.