This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 43

If you’re new here, This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest is where I over-explain stupid things I say on Twitter (which are called “toots”). I categorize each toot as either wisdom, wordplay, reaction, or stupid. Wisdom is profound stuff, wordplay is puns and stuff, reaction is reactions to stuff, and stupid is very profound stuff. Also, the categories are essentially meaningless. Let’s go!

REACTION:

I don’t think that’s too much to ask. But that’s probably because I’m a narcissist.

WORDPLAY:

This is not true. It’s actually poisson. That’s the French word for fish, see.

Then a few weeks later I tooted this:

It roughly translates to, “Do not eat poison in America. It is the fish!” I like this because (1) it requires people to translate it (and it required me to translate it from English), which isn’t hard with the internet1, but the added complexity amuses me. Also (2), I think it’s funny to tell people not to eat poison.

Interestingly, the word poison is the same in both French and English. So if you’re ever in France and order fish at a restaurant, make sure your pronunciation is perfect, because your waiter might be a stickler. You know how French people are.

And while I’m at it, this:

In Japanese, this means “It is raining yen Hallelujah.” Translating “It’s raining yen”2 to Japanese is funny because, presumably, the Japanese word for men doesn’t rhyme with yen, which makes the joke pointless in Japanese. Also, I’m not sure if Google translated yen as the English word yen or the Japanese currency yen. If it is the English word, then this makes even less less sense, which I think is just delightful.

REACTION:

Looks like she has a few secret families, too. I’m blowing the lid off this story.

WISDOM:

I’ve tooted this idea before, and I’ll toot it again. Many experts and myself agree that when people hypercorrect their speech, they end up sounding especially ignorant to people who understand grammar rules and actual usage.

Also, while you’re at it, you could probably stop saying myself when you really mean me or I. As a rule of thumb, myself should be reserved for sentences where you’ve already said I, like “I am punching myself in the face.” Saying “Jimmy, Steve, and myself are going to rob the liquor store” is wrong. None of you should rob the liquor store, but if you do, “Jimmy, Steve, and I are going to rob the liquor store.”

I’m not gonna tell you how to live your life; I’m just letting you know how these things come across to other people.

WISDOM:

This one isn’t funny. It’s just super profound. I’ve seen so many people get into shitty relationships—and become so passionately invested in them—when the other person just wasn’t worth it. The only way I can make sense of it: I think they’re caught up in the story of the relationship to the point that they overlook the actual person they’re with. This seems like a bad idea to me.

These next few aren’t funny, either.

WISDOM:

Fashion, as a concept, seems explicitly designed to ensure you never feel good about yourself. You can never be good enough, because what’s fashionable is constantly changing (for no practical reason). I don’t want people to feel bad about themselves for no reason, so I dislike fashion.

WISDOM:

Wow, this rich CEO just made a big donation to cancer research.3 Well, that’s nice… but wait, what do we have here? His mother was just diagnosed with colon cancer! Of course he wants to “find a cure” because he’d benefit from it directly! Can you believe the corruption—and the unmitigated gall!—of some people? It’s enough to make you sick.

WISDOM:

I’m not against all April Fools’ Day jokes. The best ones achieve the level of great satire, but satire is hard. Most people think that just tricking someone into believing something untrue is a funny joke. But it’s not a joke; it’s just lying. Which is boring (and gets old fast).

STUPID:

This is an exaggeration. It’s not every day, but lately I actually have been saying “April Fools!” instead of “just kidding”. It’s just for fun. I wouldn’t read into it too much. April Fools! I would read into it too much! See, it’s my subtle way of protesting the bad April Fools’ jokes. It’s like, if you can celebrate April Fools’ Day by telling stupid lies, then April Fools’ Day doesn’t mean anything, so I’m going to say “April Fools!” even when it’s not April Fools’ Day because it doesn’t mean anything. See?

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

  1. Good Twitter apps include a “translate” button, which makes it even easier. []
  2. Which, let me be clear, is a very stupid joke. []
  3. This is just an example. []