This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 46

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.

WORDPLAY:

Get it? I wrong. I guess this technically means I act unjustly toward people, but I like to view it (more poetically) as meaning I screw up a lot. Hire me!

WISDOM:

This is funny, Jay-Z, because it’s true. Ninety-nine problems is a lot of problems. That’s all I’ll say about that for now (foreshadowing).

REACTION:

Last month, a 79-year-old white separatist was shot in the face during a home invasion. He looked like Santa Claus. (Watch the video in the link. He’s really cute.) He wasn’t seriously hurt.

This story stuck me as hilarious. It was right over the edge of perfect. I don’t support racism, but I also don’t support shooting people in the face; so it would’ve been hard to make light of it if the guy had been life-threateningly hurt or killed. But, as it was, this story really was perfect. A racist getting shot in the face (but not seriously injured)? Yes, sign me up. That’s good comedy. Plus, there was his funny, crazy grandpa appearance, and I was totally on board. I mean, come on. You couldn’t have written it any better.

REACTION:

I didn’t think of a punchline, but do you really need one?

I did have another another joke about that went like this: “This guy is what Santa Claus would be like if, instead of loving all the children of the world, he wanted to exterminate them.”

STUPID:

Just a reminder.

STUPID:

This is funny because I’ve got over 800 Twitter followers, but I only have sex with, like, half of them. But I phrased it like the cliché of the stupid teenage girl writing into an advice column, so it’s funny. (Spoiler alert: If you’re asking yourself this question, he’s probably just using you for sex.)

REACTION:

This is a moneymaker no matter how you slice it. You have a few great options: you could have celebrities (like Lionel Richie or Joy Behar) performing dental work on apes. Or you could have veterinary dentists (who are human) performing dental work on celebrity apes, like Coco or someone. Or (my favorite) you could have a celebrity ape (like Coco) performing dental work on unsuspecting humans.

You can’t see me right now, but I’m making the ape-sign-language sign for “dollar signs”. Call me, The Donald. Let’s make this happen.

WORDPLAY:

This is just dumb.

STUPID:

Somebody had to.

WISDOM:

As with my toot about sexual predators, the context of my jokes often affects their meaning. Here is another example:

SPECIAL SPORTS SECTION

REACTION:

And then:

REACTION:

I actually conceived the second toot first. I saw a commercial about hockey and wrote in my notepad, “Hockey is the soccer of other stuff no one cares about.” I liked the weird, implied joke construction of this one (the implication being that no one cares about either hockey or soccer enough to even make a comparison about how much no one cares about them).

Normally I would’ve posted it as it was and moved on. But I had been saving a preachy toot for a while and thought this would be a good opportunity to unleash some pontification. The problem was, if I left the hockey/soccer joke as it was, I wouldn’t win enough people to my side of the argument (so I could then pull the rug out from underneath them and do that whole self-alienation thing I do so well).

I wrote the first toot, “Hockey is the football of stuff no one cares about,” to get the football fans on my side (and turn the hockey fans against me). Then I followed up with the soccer/hockey toot to turn soccer fans against me too. So, at this point, the soccer-hating football fans were on my side and the hockey and soccer fans hated me. And then BAM:

WISDOM:

Take that, football fans! I’m saying that you’re the ones being jerks! See? Now the football fans should hate me and the hockey and soccer fans should realize I was being ironic, but they probably can’t get over the fact that I said no one cared about their sports in the first place, so we end up with everyone hating me. Mission accomplished.

It’s also worth noting: my point isn’t that no one would care if you died. My point is, people care about lots of different stuff, so maybe don’t be such a dick about it, OK?

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.