Ask Conlan: The Private Primate

Someone writes:

Do you ever get lonely?

Good question, Someone. I think I’ll answer it in the form of a song…

Webster’s Dictionary defines lonely as, “sad because one is very ugly” or “without a helper monkey”. Most people believe that no one can ever truly be lonely because there are other people on Earth1. But most people are very stupid. The truth is, everyone is lonely (in the sense that their existence is—by definition—separate from other people and helper monkeys and also they are ugly). The sooner you come to terms with this existential isolation, the sooner you can get on with the serious business of boozin’ and bonin’ (metaphorically).

So the obvious follow-up question is: how do you come to terms with it?

Good question, Obvious. I recommend just scrolling to the bottom and clicking “OK”. No one really reads those things. Just accept the fact that, in 10 years2, Facebook is going to be implanted in your cerebral cortex and there’s nothing you can do about it because you already gave your consent in 2010. As they say in Belgium, “Ik weet niet wat ik zeg!” (which roughly translates to, “Polish sausage? In this economy?!”)

But there is another school of thought on the subject. Namely, the Sisyphusian school, which holds that loneliness is just an emotional manifestation of humankind’s longing for unification with the chi. (And this is where the helper monkeys are important because they need to water it or you’ll never grow anything—you’ll just be stuck with a weird clay head or whatever.) Therefore, we can come to terms with this by not suffocating kittens or killing and/or eating people. It’s like the old saying goes: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame zombie.” Although the exact wording has changed as it’s been passed down through generations, most scholars now agree that publicly humiliating undead cannibals is an effective way to prevent people from fooling you.

And why is that? Simple: because a lonely life isn’t worth living. We all need to be around other people, either by having conversations with them or by eating their brains. Zombies know this. Dick Clark knew it. Zombie Dick Clark knows it. Abe Lincoln didn’t know it. Helper monkeys know it. It’s why they want to help.

In conclusion, Webster’s Dictionary defines conclusion as “the end of something good and the beginning of something great (because, seriously, anything has to be better than this”.

  1. Until October 17. []
  2. Figuratively speaking, because of October 17. []