This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest, Episode 55

Do you know what today is? It’s Friday.1 I hope you were wondering, and I hope my answer has helped you in some small way. Shall we begin?

WORDPLAY:

And my dance moves are bad news.

STUPID:

This is true for me.

WORDPLAY:

See, because of “sitting duck”. I feel like there are other sitting animals that would be more vulnerable than a duck.

STUPID:

Everyone knows you married your best friend. That’s what marriage is supposed to be. Why not impress us with something original?

REACTION:

Growing up, I feel, is largely about dressing like a grown-up. Which is why I don’t feel very grown up. But my weird-looking knees are as grown-up as anyone’s. I’d put money on it.

Also, sorry for calling you “bitches”.

WISDOM:

This is true for me.

REACTION:

I saw someone on Twitter or Instagram post a photo of what I can only assume was some kind of stewed meat—along with a comment about how yummy it looked. But it didn’t look yummy. I’m sure it tasted yummy, but it looked like poop-vomit. Deal with it, bitches!

STUPID:

Gelatin is not really made from horse hooves. It’s made mostly from pig bones and skin. But if it were made from horse hooves, it would be a very good use of horse hooves because Jell-O is super yummy.

WISDOM:

Yes. And here’s one of the reasons:

WISDOM:

This is true for all of us. Being a good person will put you at a disadvantage. It will make some people question your motives or try to take advantage of you. Sometimes it will really screw you over. But the thing about being a good person is, that’s what being a good person is. If life was entirely weighted in favor of good people, everyone would do it because it would be selfish and easy. And then there’d be no virtue in being good at all. I don’t know why exactly, but I feel very strongly that—despite the odds against us—we should really try to be good people.

WISDOM:

I’ve never actually met anyone who got mad about someone telling them “good luck” before a show, but I imagine it has happened at some point in human history. And that’s kind of funny to think about.

WORDPLAY:

My favorite? Heritage for the Blind. Call 1-800-DONATE-CARS.

WORDPLAY:

This would be funny.

STUPID:

The chicken did. Because, before it, there was no sandwich.

WISDOM:

Just trust me on this one, OK?

That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.

  1. Unless you are a reading this on a different day. If you are, please consult your local calendar. []