By the way, please support my book project on Kickstarter if you haven’t already. I really appreciate it.
…More like aurora BORE-ealis.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 19, 2012
If you're going to make a sex joke, it's important to know your audience (in the biblical sense).
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 17, 2012
I think this one is darn good.
Since they're open 24 hours, @DennysDiner should get into bail bonds too. You could celebrate your third strike with a Grand Slam. KA-BOOM!
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 16, 2012
This one is interesting from a writing perspective. Here’s how it came about: I was driving past a bail bond place that was open 24 hours, and I thought it was interesting the kinds of businesses that are open 24 hours. I thought, what kind of 24-hour businesses could be combined? I first thought of 7-Eleven, and then I thought of Denny’s, and then it hit me: grand slam, three strikes, KA-BOOM! Perfect.
For a healthy, refreshing treat on a hot day, do what I do: eat frozen berries right out of the bag while contemplating your own mortality.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 14, 2012
I really do this. Both parts.
What's the difference between pessimism and cynicism?
No one can possibly know the answer to that, and you're probably a horrible person.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 13, 2012
This is a good one. On the surface, it’s a ripoff of that joke about ignorance and apathy (“I don’t know and I don’t care”), except that one of my pet peeves really is people confusing pessimism and cynicism. Strictly speaking, the former has to do with facts and the latter has to do with motives. Cynicism is pessimistic, but pessimism is not necessarily cynical. So anyway, this joke is a play on the ignorance/apathy joke, but it’s also a heightening of it (at least in my mind) because it’s about the ignorance/apathy people have about the difference between pessimism and cynicism. It’s designed to be a teaching tool. Go forth and spread the bad news, jerk.
Note to shelf: Good job holding up those booksh.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 23, 2012
This one is pretty good because it doesn’t make sense. If it had been, “Note to shelf: Good job holding up those books,” it would have been a very basic pun. If it had been, “Note to shelf: Make appointment with shpeech therapisht,” it would have been a pretty good stupid (but logically consistent) joke. But by phrasing it like I did, it’s logically inconsistent, which makes it truly absurd. By ending on booksh, you’re immediately aware that it’s not the basic pun (like the first example), and then you cognitively try to turn it into a speech joke (like the second example). But if I (the speaker) have that “sh” speech characteristic, then what the hell does holding up books have to do with anything? Why am I holding up books? It makes no sense. And I love stuff that doesn’t make marshmallows.
Why are ugly people allowed on reality shows? If I wanted to see uggos trying to have sex with each other, I'd stand between two mirrors.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 21, 2012
First of all, this is a joke about how people on reality shows, particularly those Bachelor-type shows, are disgusting (on the inside). It’s also a reversal — you think I’m an asshole calling people ugly, and then I call myself ugly too. And the idea of trying to have sex with myself is funny. But I had to be careful with the technical details. I think I originally wanted to say “if I wanted to see two people having sex with each other…” because I think that makes the “reveal” funnier. But, technically, trying to have sex with myself between two mirrors would show me an infinite number of uggos trying to have sex with themselves/each other. So, in this case, I sided with physics over phunny. It’s always a toss-up. I still think it turned out well.
That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.