Occasionally I tweet on Twitter. Occasionally I blog about those tweets. This is one of those occasions. This is Twittering.
WISDOM:
During difficult times, I’m reminded of the words of my late grandfather: “I'm not dead yet!"
We could barely hear him through the coffin.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) July 31, 2013
I like this because “I’m not dead yet” is actually a legitimately inspirational message of determination. Then the idea of accidentally burying a person alive is just funny.
STUPID:
The nicest thing you can say about a person's butt is that it just won't quit. Perseverance is an admirable quality, especially in butts.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 3, 2013
“You’ll have to fire me,” said my butt.
REACTION:
A simple Twitter search can provide evidence for any horrible thing you want to prove about society.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 5, 2013
I hate it when pseudo-news organizations do a Twitter search and then report the results as if they represent anything significant. Twitter, like humanity, is a cesspool of multifarious wonders. You can find literally anything you want if you look hard enough. If that shocks you, you haven’t been paying attention.
REACTION:
Most conspiracy theories require conspirators who are the most powerful, idiotic, brilliant, incompetent people the world has ever known.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 5, 2013
This is why grand conspiracy theories are so unlikely. To believe them, you have to simultaneously believe the conspirators are so all-powerful and all-knowing that they can orchestrate such a perfect illusion as to fool the majority of people, yet also so inept that they commit many obvious, telltale errors that can be easily recognized by some yokel on the internet.
STUPID:
My goal is to create an online persona such that, if I make a typo, you'll assume it's a self-indulgent joke you don't get.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 8, 2013
My attention to detail is impeccoble.
WISDOM:
Plan for the worst, hope for the best, and you don't really have the resources to plan for the worst, so I guess just hope for the best.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 15, 2013
Good luck.
WISDOM:
People who take life too seriously just don't get the joke.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 17, 2013
I hope you get it.
WISDOM:
I have kind of a "Sam and Diane" relationship with hating myself.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 19, 2013
Will they or won’t they? Are they really meant to be? How many seasons can they draw this out? Will my self-hatred demand more money? Will it leave to pursue a movie career? Will it return for a heart-wrenching series finale?
REACTION:
I really love coffee. Some days it's the only reason I get out of bed. After I drink it, I go back to bed.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 20, 2013
Coffee is the beer of the morning.
STUPID:
Growing up, my family was so poor we didn't have a pot to piss in. We did, however, have a toilet.
We cooked spaghetti in it.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 23, 2013
Toilet humor.
REACTION:
Some of my friends think I look down on them for watching reality TV, but that's not why I look down on them.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 27, 2013
This is funny because my friends are horrible for lots of reasons.
WORDPLAY:
Damn, girl. Your particulate matter is fiiiiine.
(And unhealthy for sensitive groups.)
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 31, 2013
This is funny because it causes respiratory problems.
WORDPLAY:
If you're having a family picnic today and your family is a little fat, a good caption for your family photo would be, "Blood and guts."
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 2, 2013
This is a pun. I don’t mean you should slaughter your family, as tempting as that may be.
STUPID:
A guy like Abraham Lincoln could never be elected president today, because it’s not Election Day.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 4, 2013
The ol’ switcheroo.
WISDOM:
Fight and flight get all the hype, but I prefer the third option: resign yourself to fate, curl into a ball, and await death's cold embrace.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 6, 2013
Technically, this is known as the “freeze” response. When it comes to learned helplessness, I was at the top of my class.
That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.