Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter, then I add commentary here, and This Is Twittering.
The real tragedy is that no one is ever going to appreciate all the hilarious, hilarious jokes I write in these unanswered OkCupid messages.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 8, 2014
I hope these women appreciate the gold they’re ignoring. Gold!
The change from “king size” candy bars to “share size” represents a cultural shift from oligarchy to a society where *everybody* is fat.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 2, 2014
I follow candy developments pretty closely, and this is an interesting one. Presumably, companies want to deflect some of their blame for making people fat by suggesting that larger portions are for multiple people. It’s an interesting strategy. Also, this is a good joke.
When it’s very hot like this, remember to check on your elderly neighbors to make sure they are alive or dead, depending on your preference.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 8, 2014
I think it’s funny to check on someone to make sure their dead, and it’s funny to prefer someone be dead. So this is funny for two reasons (assuming you like dead people).
There should be body hair barbers—a place I could go and get my torso clipped with a #2 for 12 bucks. I guess what I mean is, I’m so lonely.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 9, 2014
Incel? More like inhair!
Remember: No one can make you feel inferior unless you suck.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 10, 2014
This just makes me laugh. I’m a funny guy.
I try to live each day like yesterday was my last.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 12, 2014
What would you do if you were already dead? Imagine the freedom. You could do literally anything. I’d probably take a nap.
It’s tempting to think that every 3-year-old is really cute, but then when you see a *super* cute one you realize the rest are all garbage.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 19, 2014
Sorry, ugly kids, but you know it’s true.
Creativity is not an ovary; it’s a testicle.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 20, 2014
What I’m saying here is, it’s not a limited resource. Also, maybe something about castration?
Life makes so much more sense when you’re an idiot.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 28, 2014
I hope you all got a chance to see this weekend’s supermoon. It won’t happen again in our lifetime, if everything goes according to plan.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) July 14, 2014
Destroying the moon has been on my to-do list for some time.
LIFEHACK: Social anxiety is more fun if you think of it as your “spidey sense”.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) July 16, 2014
In reality, it would be an overactive spidey sense that would probably fail to warn you of approaching goblins.
It sucks when you're friends with a married couple who get divorced and you get stuck in between when they crash their cars into each other.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) July 24, 2014
Divorce is a funny thing.
I hate teenagers. I think they’re stupid for acting the way they act and thinking the way they think, but not for feeling the way they feel.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) July 25, 2014
It’s easy to discount young people’s feelings because they are stupid, which they are. But that doesn’t make them less real. And feelings are powerful things. When you get down to it, maybe they’re the only things.
If you’re accused of murder, a funny thing to say would be, “That’s ridiculous. Some of my best friends are alive!”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 3, 2014
This makes sense.
Because of the drought, I've cut way back on showering, doing laundry, and wearing deodorant.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 9, 2014
What I’m saying is, I stink. But this is a joke, so really I only stink in the figurative sense.
Hey, other people with mental problems like mine: Do you guys make up catchy pop tunes you sing to yourself about how much you suck too?
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 10, 2014
I write the best self-diss tracks in my head. They’re really catchy—lyrics, melody—like I wish I could write that well when I didn’t wish I was dead.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 22, 2014
You need to spend less time at the library and more time at the TRUTHbrary. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) August 26, 2014
Did you know the library has over 40,000 books about the Earth being round, but only one about the Earth being flat? Why is that? Chem-trails. Look it up. But not at the library. Use the interNOT LIES. Crisis actors are coming to take away your sheep. Deep state. It’s simple.
That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.