I make jokes on Twitter. Then I blog about them. This is Twittering.
REACTION:
Did you know you only use 10% of your brain if you're someone who really believes humans only use 10% of their brains?
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) February 25, 2013
To be clear: you don’t only use 10% of your brain.
REACTION:
If you're feeling sad and want to cheer yourself up, do what I do: berate yourself for every poor decision you've ever made in your life.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) March 1, 2013
Just kidding. Don’t do what I do. Never do what I do.
WISDOM:
I just want you to be happy after I am.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) March 6, 2013
This is an interesting sentiment. It’s not that I (hypothetically) don’t want someone else to be happy; it’s that I don’t want someone else to be happy without me (hypothetically). I have no problem with other people being happy, as long as I’m happy too. The annoying part is when people are happy, but I’m not happy. And of course I mean this all hypothetically. It’s just a joke.
WORDPLAY:
The name is a bit misleading, considering how rarely paramedics skydive to the scene of an accident.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) March 11, 2013
How badass would that be?
WISDOM:
It's not easy, but I truly believe that if you try to treat people with respect and compassion, you'll eventually die penniless and alone.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) March 24, 2013
There’s no such thing as karma. Not good karma, anyway. Life isn’t fair. I try to be a good person, sure, because it’s the only way I know how to be. But I’m fooling myself by thinking I’ll get anything out of it.
WISDOM:
I don't trust anyone without trust issues.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 16, 2013
Trust me on this one.
WISDOM:
Every time you equate correlation with causation, Carl Sagan turns in his grave. But that's just a coincidence.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 23, 2013
This is a very funny causation/correlation joke. Unfortunately, this tweet also causes autism.
WORDPLAY:
Like a dura moth to a Duraflame.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 23, 2013
This was just a nice dumb little pun until I discovered that Dura is an actual real genus of moths! So it’s not only funny, but it’s also science!
STUPID:
It takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong.
What I mean is: yes, you’re wrong, but you’re also fat.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 30, 2013
I like this one because I like insulting people.
STUPID:
You should always drink plenty of water, so you'll be ready to go to the bathroom if you're ever bored and want something to do.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 9, 2013
I like the idea of peeing to alleviate boredom.
REACTION:
It's odd that we, as a culture, value the beauty of eyelashes. They're basically just body hair growing out of your eyeballs.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 9, 2013
This is just straight-up true.
STUPID:
I don't know how I can make this any clearer: you are I-L-L-I-T-E-R-A-T-E.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 16, 2013
I like this one.
STUPID:
Even an asshole is right twice a day.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 19, 2013
This is a thing about broken clocks, but it’s also meant to recognize that assholes are right sometimes and nice people can be wrong. The truth is a mysterious thing with poor judgement as far as people go.
STUPID:
Even a broken digital clock is right at 88:88 o'clock.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 30, 2013
This is funny because there is no 88:88 o’clock, not even in military time.
WISDOM:
I only want what's best for you, and I truly believe what's best for you is for you to shut up.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 2, 2013
It really is for the best.
STUPID:
“It's hotter outside than Satan's salsa!” is a charming folk saying I just made up. You can use it.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 7, 2013
That’s a spicy meatball!
That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.