I make jokes on Twitter. Then I blog about them. This is Twittering.
WORDPLAY:
Living well is a dish best served cold.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 11, 2013
Revenge is a stupid thing.
WORDPLAY:
If you see someone accidentally drop money on the ground, I think a funny thing to say would be, “Pay it floorward!”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 14, 2013
“Floorward” is a fun thing to say.
REACTION:
That part in Full House when Stephanie has to spell "mnemonic" at the spelling bee — that was an awesome plot twist.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) June 20, 2013
I mean this unironically. The fact that she uses mnemonic devices to remember words, but doesn’t think to learn how to spell “mnemonic”? Genius.
STUPID:
Here is the church, and here is the steeple. Open the doors, and WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) July 3, 2013
The whole “wake up, sheeple” joke has gotten less funny in the age of fake news and conspiracy theorists at the highest levels of government. That said, now more than ever: WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!
WISDOM:
According to the 10,000 hours rule, I’m an expert in being a worthless piece of garbage.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) July 13, 2013
I could have said you’re an expert in being a worthless piece of garbage, but that would have been mean. Plus, this is just where I was emotionally when I wrote this tweet.
By the way, I’m pretty sure that rule is just made up.
WORDPLAY:
From my Viking rap:
Going from
village to village, an'
rapin' an' pillagin’.
Not even Ghengis Khan
was ever so diligent.— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) July 15, 2013
I write good raps.
REACTION:
I think bleeped curse words are funnier than un-bleeped, especially if it's about some really f#%king mundane s%*t.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) July 22, 2013
This is just f#%king common sense.
WORDPLAY:
You can’t spell “simply” without “imply”, if you know what I mean.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) July 25, 2013
Read between the lines.
WISDOM:
Do what you love, and you'll never be employable a day in your life.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) July 25, 2013
The idea that everyone can just do what they love and make a living is pretty ridiculous. I think it’s possible for anyone to love what they do, finding meaning in the work they accomplish, but if everyone just followed their bliss wherever it led them, we’d be f#%ked as a society. There are plenty of necessary jobs that no one dreams of doing when they’re growing up. Things like vomit cleaners and pencil makers and baby seal clubbers. But we need these jobs done, and thank god someone is there to do them.
STUPID:
I see evidence for confirmation bias everywhere I look.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) July 26, 2013
Confirmation bias is our well documented tendency to unconsciously seek out information that confirms our preexisting beliefs, while ignoring or discounting information that disconfirms them. I’ve mentioned it here on the blog several times, but it bears reexamining every so often because it’s so pernicious. This is a good joke, too.
WISDOM:
Productivity Tip: Don't hate your life and wish you were dead.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) July 27, 2013
This is really a good tip for getting s#%t done. Try it.
WORDPLAY:
He's great when I need to unload some hot jewelry fast, but he also has loud parties that go until 4 a.m. on weeknights, so I don't know.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) July 27, 2013
This is an obscure riff on the saying “good fences make good neighbors”. I’m pretty sure no one got it.
That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.