I say things on Twitter. Then I comment on those things here. This is Twittering.
STUPID:
What if you said, “There’s no such thing as a stupid question,” and then someone asked, “Is there such a thing as a stupid question?”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 9, 2013
There’s no such thing as a stupid tweet.
WISDOM:
Everybody cares about something nobody should care about.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 10, 2013
Even you. Maybe especially you.
STUPID:
Fashion is cyclical. For example, the ones with the big front wheels used to be popular, but now it's cool to have two same-sized wheels.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 12, 2013
I like this because it doesn’t make sense.
STUPID:
I'd love my son if he were gay, but I have to be honest—at first, I'd be a little uncomfortable because I didn't even know I had any kids.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 13, 2013
The conversation every parent dreads: Who are you?
STUPID:
It may not be politically correct to call a mentally ill person "a worthless piece of human garbage", but that's just how I talk to myself.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 19, 2013
This is funny because it’s true.
WORDPLAY:
I learned sign language because actions speak louder than words.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) September 23, 2013
And by “learned sign language” I mean I flip people off a lot.
STUPID:
I need coffee so bad right now. This must be how a heroin addict feels when he needs coffee so bad right now.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) October 5, 2013
We’re all like heroin addicts in some ways. Especially if we’re addicted to heroin.
REACTION:
I miss those old Pace Picante Sauce commercials where anyone who didn’t use their product was tortured or killed.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) November 12, 2013
It was a simpler time.
WORDPLAY:
From my rap song:
Here I go spittin’ knowledge
With another bon mot.
I am the sneeze
and you are the snot.(Yes, mispronounced.)
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) November 12, 2013
Alternate lyric:
Here I go spittin’ knowledge
With another bon mot.
I am the plow
and you are the snow.(Yes, pronounced correctly.)
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) November 12, 2013
If you don’t know how to pronounce bon mot, you won’t understand these jokes.
WISDOM:
I always know exactly the right thing to say. It’s just that other people don’t always know exactly the right thing to hear.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) November 13, 2013
I don’t know why people are so dumb.
WORDPLAY:
Curiosity killed something, but I don’t know what it was, and I don’t want to know.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) November 14, 2013
This is one of my favorites. You should retweet it.
WORDPLAY:
If two women live together long enough with a tandem bike, eventually they’ll get on the same cycle.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) November 21, 2013
This is another good one. I was on a roll (bike joke).
WISDOM:
There are people who will always support you, no matter what, and then there are your real friends.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) December 10, 2013
Sometimes what you really need is someone to tell you to quit being such a stupid asshole.
WORDPLAY:
A fun way to compliment someone’s butt is to say, “Damn, is the Horn of Africa knocking loudly on the door? Because Djibouti is bangin’!”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) December 21, 2013
If you don’t know how to pronounce Djibouti, you won’t understand this joke. Actually, if you don’t know how to pronounce Djibouti, you won’t understand any of my jokes.
That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.