I say things on Twitter. Then I comment on those things here. This is Twittering.
STUPID:
When I see the cookies for Santa on Xmas Eve, I always wonder what the right age is to tell kids there’s no such thing as human kindness.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) December 25, 2013
You’re better off doing it early. You don’t want them to find out about it on the school playground.
WORDPLAY:
A good slogan for a contraceptive company would be “No kidding.”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) December 27, 2013
Or “More nookies, less cookies (for Santa Claus, because you don’t have kids to lie to).”
STUPID:
I love you, but I’m not *in* Love County, Oklahoma with you. Long-distance relationships never work.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 3, 2014
Love County is a real place. I don’t know the stats on its contraceptive use.
WIDSOM:
If you have painfully low self-esteem, look on the bright side: at least you think you deserve it.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 5, 2014
Sad, but true. Or maybe it isn’t true. I don’t know. I can’t do anything right.
WISDOM:
I wish our justice system didn’t waste so much time and money prosecuting victimless crimes, like murdering assholes.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 7, 2014
This is just a joke. Don’t murder anyone, even assholes.
WISDOM:
Actions speak louder than words, but how many words? If it’s less than a thousand, I’ll probably still just take a picture instead.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 8, 2014
It’ll last longer too.
WORDPLAY:
Donuts are technically legumes.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 11, 2014
This is a very good joke.
RAP:
Nose’s plugged like a thug who’s under attack.
Spreadin’ VapoRub like moustache wax.— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 14, 2014
Camphor and menthol: those are the drug facts.
Sudafed to clear my head, and try to relax.— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 14, 2014
This rap uses Beastie Boys-style phrasing, and I don’t think it translates well to the written word.
STUPID:
Eskimos have over 200 words for “please don’t call me that; it’s disrespectful”.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 15, 2014
That’s s’no way to talk to an Inuit.
(Snow.)
That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.