Sometimes I tell jokes on Twitter, then I add commentary here, and This Is Twittering.
WORDPLAY:
A funny thing to say to your bathroom scale when you step on it would be, “Wait, weight. Don’t tell me!”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 17, 2014
Let me guess… Does it rhyme with ‘a lot’?
REACTION:
I have a hard time remembering things that happen outside my own head.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 20, 2014
I play out scenarios so often in my imagination that anything that happens in real life has already happened multiple times in my head. It’s easy to confuse the two.
REACTION:
I just used a thesaurus to look up synonyms for “weirdo” to more eloquently berate myself, in case you’re curious about my mental disorders.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 23, 2014
Freak, nut, crank, kook, turtle, crackpot, human, bozo, wonderful dude.
WISDOM:
Never meet your heroes. Especially if your hero is me.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 25, 2014
This could be about how I don’t want to meet people because I am a misanthrope, but actually it’s about you being disappointment by my real-life person.
REACTION:
The Grammys always remind me of my late grandmother because “Grammy” is what we used to call her, and she became irrelevant in the ’90s too.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) January 27, 2014
This is a sick burn on both the Grammys and my Grammy (who we never actually called “Grammy”).
WISDOM:
We all just want to feel like we're part of something larger than ourselves, and usually that something is really stupid.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) February 6, 2014
Tribalism is more about the tribe than what the tribe is about.
REACTION:
The great thing about the internet is how easy it is to connect with people who hate you as much as you hate them.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) February 6, 2014
Comments sections are made for hate.
STUPID:
If only they could inject Botox into your soul.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) February 9, 2014
This makes no sense.
WORDPLAY:
Why did the monogamous man buy a pair of bedside tables?
Because he didn’t like one nightstands KA-BAM!
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) February 13, 2014
KA-BAM!
WISDOM:
I don’t need a designated day to let people know I love them, because humans are inherently unlovable.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) February 15, 2014
Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate loving the unlovable. That’s what love is.
WISDOM:
“Euphemism” is just a nice way of saying “bullshit”.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) February 17, 2014
I love jokes like this, that are true and also funny and also so very wise.
WISDOM:
Knowledge is power, especially if it’s knowledge about how to crush your enemies.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) February 21, 2014
I WILL KILL YOU!
WISDOM:
A sense of humor is a sign of intelligence. So, no, sorry, I *won't* stop making fart noises every time you try to speak, idiot.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) February 24, 2014
Again: funny, true, wise.
WISDOM:
They say it’s better to regret things you have done than to regret things you haven’t done. But I say, aim higher: you can regret both.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) March 4, 2014
I don’t get why inspirational people are such pessimists when it comes to hating yourself.
WORDPLAY:
If you were a delivery person, a funny way to quit your job would be to tell your boss, "I literally can't take it anymore."
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) March 5, 2014
“It” being the packages she delivers, see.
WISDOM:
Every year, the change to DST results in an estimated 50,000 hours of lost productivity due to people complaining about the change to DST.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) March 10, 2014
I like Daylight Saving Time.
WISDOM:
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, quit being such a dick, dude.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) March 20, 2014
Fool me three times, I WILL KILL YOU!
REACTION:
I just gave a disabled guy a ride home from the grocery store. I only mention it because karma doesn’t exist, and I want credit.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) March 29, 2014
I only post this tweet here for the same reason.
WORDPLAY:
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, I didn't realize it was so high! I'm too afraid to climb down! Call the fire department!
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) March 29, 2014
Luckily I was able to get down OK, no thanks to you.
STUPID:
I have overdraft protection, so my mouth writes checks my ass can’t cash all the time.
My mouth is all, “Ooh, a $25 fee. Who gives a f#%k?”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 4, 2014
Banking is complicated.
REACTION:
My favorite part of every day is giving up.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 5, 2014
This is not a joke; it is a truth. At the end of the day, when I figuratively can’t take it anymore, I stop, and that is a relief.
WISDOM:
As we get older, the things our parents say seem to get crazier and crazier. Like, “It’s time for you to move out.”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 6, 2014
Honor thy father and mother, and you’ll never work a day in thy life.
WISDOM:
Everybody makes mistakes, but never the ones I want them to make.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 9, 2014
It’s better to regret the mistakes you make in my favor than to regret the things you haven’t done.
REACTION:
Kids these days don't know how good they have it. When I was 14, if I wanted to make a terrorist threat, I had to send a letter in the mail!
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 13, 2014
This is a sad commentary on the current state of affairs.
REACTION:
I don’t think I’ll ever believe in anything enough to put a bumper sticker on my car.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 18, 2014
No offense to old folks and people who want to coexist, but it just looks tacky.
STUPID:
Good Morning, America! I hope your Today is whatever the CBS morning show is called.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 21, 2014
“I hope your Today is This Morning” would have been funny too, if I had actually known the name of the CBS morning show.
WISDOM:
I wish I had the energy for self-destructive behavior.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 27, 2014
Yeah, man. Who has the energy to, like, find a drug dealer or to party all the time or to do whatever you people do? As for me, I’ll just sit at home and continuously eat ice cream and pizza until my heart gives out.
STUPID:
I just learned, in the UK, “pants” means underwear. Now I know why all those Brits looked at me funny when I told them “I shit my pants.”
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) April 29, 2014
Cultural mix-ups are funny.
WORDPLAY:
I hate to admit it, but I keep getting Ukraine mixed up with Turkey. It’s led to some pretty embarrassing moments when I order sandwiches.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 1, 2014
This is just a joke.
REACTION:
I received lower grades in more than one college class because of instructors who didn’t understand how comedy works.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 2, 2014
This is true. One: In a speech class, I started two speeches with similar jokes and got marked down because each speech should stand alone. But each speech did stand alone with the individual joke as it was. The fact that the second was a callback was just a bonus for people who were paying attention. Two: I gave a speech where I acted like I didn’t care what I was saying. It was one of my final assignments in college, and the speech was about how I regretted not working harder in school. It was very meta. My instructor later told me it seemed like I didn’t take the assignment seriously. No doy.
WISDOM:
You catch more flies with honey than with being a f#%king asshole.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 2, 2014
If you’re into catching flies. I just swat them, personally.
WORDPLAY:
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I’m pretty incredulous by nature.
— Conlan Spangler (@thisisconlan) May 3, 2014
I can’t believe more people didn’t get this joke. Just kidding, I can believe it; I’m not that incredulous.
That concludes this episode of This Is Twittering: Meta-Commentary Digest.